Enter Jerkface. Jerkface was a tow truck driver. He threatened to call the police and tell them that it was a hit and run. He convinced the other driver to report it then instead of the next day.
Enter police. The time is now 8:15 p.m.
Jerkface lies to police and says he witnessed the accident. Crazy Maniac Zombie Bride with the Running Mascara is not okay with that. She starts yelling at Jerkface, calling him a liar, wedding ruiner, and telling him that he has ruined the most important day of her life and she hopes somebody ruins his wedding day so that he knows how it feels. Police know that this girl is crazy, and decide to feel bad for her and not give her a ticket. Police reports are filled out, and we are allowed to leave.
Enter car trouble. The time is now 8:50 p.m. The car will not start. It becomes apparent that the headlight poked a small hole in the brand new radiator of my in-laws' van.
Enter Father-in-law (also known as the knight in shining armor). The time is now 9:05 p.m. He helped us get the car into a safe place, and took us back to the reception.
We arrived at 9:30 p.m. to a pitch black backyard, scarcely populated reception, and leaning wedding cake. All of my makeup was gone, and I was extremely upset. People said, "someday you'll laugh about this." I resisted the urge to punch them in the face. They were right, but that's beside the point.
As much as I wished the reception had gone differently, the important stuff was there. I got my first dance with my husband, and I got to have cake smashed in my face. And I will never forget the feeling when my husband sat me down and sang the song "Wonderful Tonight" to me (he changed the words to the last verse on a whim, and sang about getting to the reception two and a half hours late).
Sorry for the novel.