On Wal-Mart.

[Please read in a creepy voice] Hello, precious... Now you know how to greet people like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I actually am not a fan of that movie, but when Hubby tries to be creepy/weird/random, that voice usually pops out. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this: 
Anyway, onto the main subject of my post. The evil corporate giant that we all love to hate. The store frequented by rednecks and weirdos. The store that is the main subject of this wonderful, time wasting website. The store that inspired me to write this essay (warning: contains some profanity-laced quotes and is hilarious... to me, anyway). The store that does not exist in Germany. 
Yes, you read that correctly - Wal-Mart is nowhere to be found in this lovely country. At first, I loved the lack of Wally Worlds. You see, I hate that stupid store. I hate everything about it - from the oh-so-misfortunate shoppers who end up on sites like Peopleofwalmart.com to the incredibly crappy quality products sold there, I just can't stand the place. 
You know what, though? I now hate the lack of Wally Worlds. I recently discovered that I actually [GASP!] love that stupid store. From trying to get kicked out (see this list) to going grocery shopping at midnight, I love the easy access and that it's open 24/7 (that's what she said...no? that one didn't work? oh well). 

Here is a list of things that I cannot do here in Germany because Wal-Mart doesn't exist. 

1. I can't go on midnight grocery runs. 
2. I can't go buy tampons in the middle of the night so that no one I know will see me buying them.
HAHAHA Bet you didn't expect me to put a picture of tampons here, did you? DID YOU?!?! 
3. I can't buy groceries and craft products and sports bras at the same time. 
4. I can't run into rednecks, gangstas, grandmas, and ill-dressed whack jobs all within 5 minutes of each other.
5. I can't go from racing grocery carts to racing kids' bikes to racing office chairs. 
6. I can't use a grocery cart without putting a euro into a little coin slot to unlock the cart.
7. I can't buy tons of useless $5 movies (that's probably a good thing)

I'm sure there are more things to add to that list, but I'm sure you get my point. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. And right now, I'm missing Walmart like a recovering crack whore misses her drugs. Okay, not quite that much... but you get the idea. 

PS: You should go here and enter my giveaway! 


B said...

My husband worked at wal-mart for about a month (no job, had to make some kkkkkash) and it was the worst experience ever. He came home miserable and depressed from the horrible environment until I told him to never go back.

Sadly, we still shop there. But we're still searching for alternatives. F Wal-Mart. For serious.

Unknown said...

"4. I can't run into rednecks, gangstas, grandmas, and ill-dressed whack jobs all within 5 minutes of each other. "

wow, what a bummer. I am so sorry for you.


Breenah said...

I live within walking distance of one. I'd much rather live without, especially after reading more and more about them. I try to limit my shopping there, but it's hard because it's SO easy.

Alana Christine said...

bahahaha. I loved this post! I try to avoid Wally-world at all costs--I always waste money and see creepers! ha ha. Glad you love peopleofwalmart.com too!
Also, thank you for putting tampons on your blog...I'm sitting in class next to two guys and I definitely clicked out of the screen really fast. hehehe

Magical Daydream said...

Whaha we don't have walmart either (I live in the Netherlands) but I know what it is to not have your familiar stores from being abroad. At this point I am painting just for fun and experimentation, but perhaps some time in the future I will try to see if I can.. :)

Jennie said...

Now the real question....is there a Target???

Hilary said...

don't miss it, please!!! take a deep breath and really remember the awfulness that is walmart. dirty, full of weirdos...plus, it's just so not target...my happy place. :)

his little lady said...

oh gosh, the hubs always does that voice. SO creepy. or one year, my friends knew i was creeped out by that thing so they got me a huge cut out of him for my birthday and snuck it into my room right before i went to bed. almost peed my pants...seriously!
xo TJ

Angie said...

My husband also does the voice. Maybe those husbands should hang out at Walmart. hahaha
Love to hate is nail on the head Alyx.

Kelly said...

Hahah I love this post! I know, Walmarts are terrible, but they are like an addiction. Without Walmart, where would we be?!

Chelsea Finn said...

I was in walmart today and hated it but reading this made me realize how much i should appreciate it! (even though when im there I always get stuck around the smelliest people). Haha, loved this list though!I have never seen grocery carts where you have to put in a coin!

<3Chelsea Elizabeth

Natasha Louise Taylor said...

We aren't free here, we have ASDA which is 'part of the Walmart family', pretty much exactly the same.. I agree, hate love relationship!

ashley.warner said...

you really have to pay to use a shopping cart?! are you KIDDING ME!
you poor thing.

at least you don't have to play wal*mart bingo (ie: man with eyepatch, family in nascar apparel, etc)

Anonymous said...

I totally laughed at your that's what she said joke. :o) See, they don't even have to make sense to be funny!!!

Are those CHAINS on the grocery carts? Do they really expect Germans to just make off with all the buggies in the store? Is it that bad? :o)

Mike Garner said...

Well... Yes they are chained up and yes you have to put in a coin, but it is a deposit. You get it back as long as you return the cart. Its horrible though when you need to get a lot of shopping done and you forgot to bring any cash. What can you do? Look awkward like I did this morning when I had piles of food in my hands going up to the checkout. Although I just forgot to get a cart before coming in, but that's another thing. They also have these stores set up so that you can just walk in and out... To get out you have to walk by the registers and out a separate door. It's a pain...

Julie said...

Walmart are the best, they really should made them way to Europe!

Meanwhile, if you miss people from Walmart you can go over here


hilarious :)


K said...

Amen to all of the above! As far as I know Walmart doesn't exist in Sweden either. The ability to shop at any time and buy all kinds of things at one place is unfathomable on this side of the ocean. And what is it with the carts? (it's the same in Sweden) :)

Unknown said...

Walmart India is a known corporate terrorist that has reached to the top by kicking, and hurting all the people connected to their warped system. However, we should realise the fact that the people behind this corporate beast have been manipulating humanity for a long time.

Emily said...

YES! I lived abroad for a few years and definitely missed the convenience of these mega giants....but now that I am back in Canada I do my best to continue to live without them. {I do cave every now and then - because seriously when you are on a budget Walmart is the only answer}