Are You a Blogging Outcast?

Happy Monday, people! 

Holy moly, guacamole!! Today is going to be the busiest day of my life. I don't plan on having any time to answer your emails or even look at my computer, so if you're expecting some sort of urgent response, you probably will not get it until tonight at like, midnight my time. Which really isn't that late if you're in the states, so you can just ignore this whole paragraph. 

Anyway. While I'm moving out of the apartment and attempting to drive 45 minutes to Frankfurt with a full-size mattress strapped onto a volkswagen golf, you are probably having a grand old time reading blogs and looking for laughs. Am I right? Psh. Of course I am, I don't even know why I asked. 

OKAY. TO THE POINT. I don't know how you've put up with me the last 2 paragraphs, because I already want to punch myself in the face. So anyway (for real this time) I have something hilarious for you today. I actually wish I could take credit, but I can't, because I'm not a thief or a plagiarist. See that totally awesome girl to your left? The awkward one? Right under the header that says, "Blog of the month?" That's Jennie. And she is freaking hilarious. I was in tears from laughing while I read this (granted, it was 4 am and I was a little loopy, but... it'll still make you chuckle, even if you're an emotionless prick). Okay, I will shut up now and let you read. You're welcome. 
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I am a blogging outcast. Stephenie Meyer could probably write a four book/five movie series on why I will never be totally accepted into the same blogosphere as Rockstar Diaries or Daybook, but I'll keep it down to twenty reasons just so your brain doesn't turn into a vegetable.

Ready, go:

1. I don't own anything from Anthropologie or J. Crew.
2. What's worse is that I've never stepped foot in a J. Crew store in all of my days.
3. Most of my clothes are from Target. In fact I will have you know that my entire outfit today down to mahh undies is from there. Basically I recycle all money they give me ever back into their store. Also I think they should pay me for all of the advertising I give them. Seriously...it's like once a week.
4. I have a Coach bag. Apparently this is fashion suicide or so I've heard because Coach is the "poor person's designer". Well spotted, guys. I'm poor and you're just gonna have to convince Target to pay me for my two solid years of weekly advertising or just get used to the idea that I can't afford ten kajillion dollar bags.
5. My top knots suck.
6. Wearing thrifted things kind of just grosses me out. Like I can't use toilets because people's bare butts have been on them, so yeah...... In my world I am the only person that ever uses my toilets and also no one has ever has tried on my clothes before I bought them. This rules out thrift stores based on principle alone.
7. If I had it my way, all of my clothes would be turquoise and red. What are these things called "neutrals" that you can supposedly wear with everything because I do not understand.
8. I have a personal vendetta against heels. {the shoes, not the body part}
9. I'm a Mormon and I don't have a "Believe" page linking to lds.org.
10. I sold out and wrote a sponsored post for a company this week. Apparently my dignity is worth less than $10, because that's how much they paid me to write it.
11. I don't have a husband.
12. If I did have a husband, he would not be called Husband or Hubs....probably just his real name or something.
13. I don't like Regina Spektor or Ingrid Michaelson. Please don't hate me.
14. I have better things to do than drink out of a mason jar, yo.
15. Instagram is all but a distant dream.
16. I reject hipsters as being real people.
17. My blog has a Facebook fan page with like 14 fans. And the only updates that ever go on there are things like "Why do I even have a Facebook fan page? No one even knows." It's like an empty cave in there where all your missing socks vacation to after they disappear from your washing machine.
18. I don't take pictures of my food. I just eat it.
19. I don't have a photography business on the side.
20. And if I did have a photography business, it wouldn't be called "Jennifer Ann Photography". I just Googled that and like twelve hundred websites came up. Way to be creative, photographic visionaries.

And that, New Adventurer's, is why the blogging universe rejects me and will continue to reject me until someone takes pity and buys me an iPhone. I have no more words.

Actually, just so we're clear about the Stephenie Meyer thing, here are the four books:
1. Edward wants to drink Bella's blood and so he watches her in her room while she sleeps because he equates that with love.
2. His lips are as cold and smooth as marble. {this alone equates to like 1/3 of the book. seriously, it's like every other sentence.}
3. They don't have sex because he wants to get married at 17 years old. But really he's like 107, so it's okay.
4. They get married and have sex finally and then she gets knocked up likethat with his clearly superior vampire sperm.
5. She has a vampire baby with the stupidest name ever and then her ex-boyfriend falls in love with her infant daughter.
6. The king vampire guys decide they don't like the Cullens anymore, so they come to Washington for a huge fight and then everyone just stands around a field for like 200 pages and looks at each other angrily and talks about their feelings.

BAM. Now where's my $750,000 advance, HarperCollins?? I need a new non-Coach bag.
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See? I told you she was awesome. Now go to her blog. Because there is more funny stuff there. :)

40 comments:

Emma said...

Safe travels dear! And you're right... Jennie's hilarious! :)

Lacy in the Sky with Diapers said...

Hahaha I only own a "coach bag too!!!

B said...

Ugh. It really bugs me when people get so hung up on clothes and other material possessions. Who cares? My clothes buying is nobody else's business but my own.

Most of my clothes don't even have labels on them cause I had advertising for someone richer than me. I'M THE OBNOXIOUS HIPSTER THAT YOU LOVE TO HATE. Okay, I'll stop yelling now.

By the way, I've never heard of antropology ie de si or whatever the heck that store is called in my life.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE MOVE TODAY, FRIEND!!!!

Ashley + Nathan from And A DIY Life said...

Hope the move goes well! I'm anxious just thinking about it because I know I'll be in your shoes waaay sooner than I'll be ready for, haha.

And that post was too funny!

Sarah Kate said...

This was hilarious!!!! I love the honesty!!!! I must belong to the poorest of the poor because I didn't even realize Coach was a poor person's label. My purse was bought from a street vendor in India for $6, and my mom likely tried to haggle him down even further because you don't really get any cheaper than us. :o)

Good luck with the move, Alyx!!!

Alana Christine said...

I love her! She is hilarious! Oh yeah, and I love my Coach bags! I own like 5, so that amounts to a non-poor person's designer bag--does that make me cool? haha jk

Chynna said...

Ahh I LOVE this! THANK YOU! So glad someone finally said it. It feels discouraging to not take pictures of your food while wearing topknots and such. Awesome post!

tychynhansen.blogspot.com

E :-) said...

I love Jennie's lists of stuff! She makes them hilarious!

themarchowl.com said...

I think I just found a new blog! how hilarious!

Meg {henninglove} said...

oh my gosh you are hilarious! i love this post!! seriously i feel like a blogging outcast too sometimes. i don't care to wear topknots, i think they are kinda silly, i like taking photos for me and don't think i would be good enough to sell but then again i don't really want to. jcrew and anthropologie eat up my bank account too much plus sometimes their clothes are really weird. thank you target for making cute affordable clothes

Breenah said...

I can say the same for most of the list. Except I have a husband (who goes by his name) and I love thrift stores. Your Twilight list made me fall in love with you, I do believe. Er, or not, since that seems a little creepster-ish.

Abbey Rodriguez said...

HAHAHAHAHAAAA... I'm literally crying tears of laughter right now. Who is this girl?! I need to be best friends with her.

"I have better things to do than drink out of a mason jar, yo."

AHHHHHHHH. I am dying. DYING!

And if it makes her feel better, Instagram is all but a distant dream for me too.

Totally following this girl. Hilarious.

Maria said...

Good luck traveling!!!

Ali said...

Be safe Alyx dear!

And Jennie you are amazing! I'm off to the blog right now! ;)

No(dot dot)el said...

I won't be offended if you don't answer me at all. Thanks for the link to the funniest blogger on planet Earth!

Ashley said...

Haaaa larious!!!

His Little Lady said...

ha, this post had me cracking up. so many points that are all too true! adore!
oh, and her sum up of the book. perfect!
xo TJ

JRuud said...

You are so funny. Thank you for putting Twilight into that perspective. Great blog :)

Kodi said...

OMG!! I pretty much just peed my pants when I read this! Every. single. one. of them is true:)

Thanks for sharing!!:)

meet.make.laugh. said...

This is brilliant. Love it. And good luck with your move Alyx! :)

dana @ wonder forest said...

haha hilarious!!! i also have never set foot inside a j crew...
xo dana
thewonderforest.com

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

This post is so awesome I can't even stand it.

The only time I've ever been in J Crew was when this dumb girl, who only wears J Crew, was with me at the mall and HAD to go in there for a pair of socks.

That cost $35.

What IS that???

Shane said...

Alyx! This is the most hilarious thing I've read on the blog-osphere in a long time! Bahahah can't stop laughing, the people across the room probably think I'm crazy. Not sure if you saw my comment on BBN, but I would be interested in contributing to your 500 followers giveaway! E-mail me with details if that's still open. x3shanerx3@gmail.com. I would also LOVE to swap with you next month if you're interested :) Happy travels dear!

xo Shane

Michelle said...

haha I love this list!

Kelly said...

THIS is an awesome post. Absolutely hilarious. Loved it.

lori said...

haha so funny!

Kelly { MessyDirtyHair } said...

Hahaha omg that is a riot! I def feel like an outcast because I'm not married & don't have kids yet. They seem to rule the blogging world!

Dearest Lou said...

Dude she's so funny! Thanks for sharing her with us. Totally going to stalk her blog from now on ;P

Laura said...

I just want to see pictures of you driving with the mattress on top of the car! Good luck with the move. She is very funny!

Chalk in the Rain said...

OMG this is hilarious! laughed out loud the entire time.
#1: I don't even own a Coach bag. I must be homeless.
#2: I have 2 pairs of heels in my closet...both worn a handful of times and when worn I'm in severe pain and am regretting my wearing them every minute.
#3: Thrifted clothes gross me out too. Going into Goodwill does make me feel a little hipster-ish but also make my skin crawl.

Great post!! :)

Punky J said...

This feature is $$$. Thanks for the introduction!

amandapoverseas said...

Haha sometimes it's nice being in Germany because I can get away with posting around midnight and people back home still see it.

I didn't know Coach was considered a "poor person's designer" as some of them are pretty pricey (I think). But then, I must look like the poorest of the poor because I carry Guess purses that were hand-me-downs (from someone who incidentally does own like half a dozen Coach purses).

tifsong said...

this is funny. i like it. i am a mormon and have a button linked to lds.org, and i'm a photographer. but i was a photographer like 8 years ago. and i didn't start blogging until about 4 years ago? so am i still okay? also, what is your fanpage on facebook? i like you.

lissa said...

fun read! Jennie sounds almost like me though I don't own a coach bag or any designer bag.

off to visit her blog.

Emily said...

This might be one of the best, bestest, best guest posts I have ever read. Seriously. I now want to rewrite mine - because this one just blew it away. I might hire her to write for me so people think I am funnier.

Emily said...

incredible. every single line, i found myself nodding! like yep, i completely agree! so glad you shared

Alex Butts said...

This rules.

Natasha Louise said...

haha Jennie is the best, I seriously need to catch up I've missed my fav blogs!!

katilda said...

i cannot even handle your summary of the twilight books. deargosh. i am so in agreement. bahaha

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