The Funniest Pair You Ever Saw

Happy Wednesday!!

I don't know how I could possibly think that blogging with a newborn would be easy, but I did. And I was mistaken.

What were you thinking, Mom?!

You know what else isn't easy? Trips to Target with said newborn and a mother-in-law who is also recovering from surgery. I don't know what prompted Mike and Duane (father-in-law) to let us venture out on our own, but if they could have seen us, I'm sure they would have gotten a good laugh!

Some background information: I'm not allowed to drive until Friday (no driving for two weeks after c-section). I'm also not allowed to lift more than ten lbs., and I'm definitely not allowed to lift Elsie while she's in her car seat.

My mother-in-law broke her leg a few weeks ago and had to undergo some major surgery on her knee. She is currently sporting a brace and crutches. Luckily, she can drive and her arms are fully functional.

see the brace? 

Our plan: We hop into the truck and drive to the store. I get out of the truck, walk (slowly, very slowly) to the cart pickup, grab a cart, and push it (slowly, very slowly) back to the truck, where Becky will be waiting to transfer Elsie's car seat from the truck to the cart. Once she's in the cart, we're golden and will have no trouble whatsoever navigating the aisles of the store.

What actually happened: I spend 5 minutes struggling to climb into the truck (it's a big tall raptor something or other... and if it's tall for me, then you know it's a huge truck). I finally figure out that if I kneel on the step, I can use my arms to pull myself onto the seat. Meanwhile, Becky is sitting in the driver's seat laughing her butt off (there's just something funny about watching someone struggle to get into a car).

the only picture I have of the truck

Once I'm in the vehicle, we get ready to head to the store. We make it to Target without too much trouble and I'm able to slide out of the truck onto the ground. I hobble over to the cart return and grab the first cart I see. I take it back to the side of the truck so that Becky can pull Elsie's car seat out and put it on the cart.

Word to the wise: carts don't have brakes. I turn around for a second to help Becky unlatch the seat and suddenly I hear her shouting, "THE CART, THE CART!! IT'S RUNNING AWAY!!" Of course she can't get it - she only has one working leg. I turn around to see the cart headed straight for a van three spots away. I "run" after the thing and barely catch it before it t-bones the car (of course the owner is sitting in said vehicle, watching this all go down) and breathe a sigh of relief while Becky is standing there on one leg holding the car seat.

We finally get the seat into the cart and head into the store, me leading the way. I get to the store entrance and try to push the cart in, but I can't get it over the metal bump. I push and push, but it just won't budge! I have to call Becky over to help me get into the store. Once we realize how ridiculous we look, we just about fall over from laughing so hard. The whole time we're laughing, I'm practically crying, "Don't make me laugh, don't make me laugh!! It HURTS!!" Because folks, when you have a c-section, there are a few things that really hurt - coughing, sneezing, and... you guessed it - laughing.

Once we get into the store, Becky spends about five minutes trying to figure out why the motorized scooter won't work (eventually a couple of associates come over and help us get the thing going). We proceed to the baby section where it all just goes downhill. Basically, to make a long story short, we run into a lot of clothing racks, knock quite a few things off of the racks (and neither one of us can really bend over to pick them up... even though we try), make a lot of noise attempting to maneuver the cart and motorized scooter, and spend forty-five minutes doing what should have taken ten.

Eventually we make it out of the store and back home, but not without having a good laugh at our peculiar situation.

I'm sure this story is nowhere near as funny to anyone else as it was to us while it was happening, but that's okay. This was Elsie's first outing (don't worry, she was covered with the car seat canopy the entire time so that she didn't catch the plague), and I'm glad it was so memorable.

Moral of the story: Don't send two gimps and a baby to the store - they'll likely cause a scene. 

All about the Panties.

Good morning and happy Friday!! What do you say we talk about that one time I dropped my underwear on a crowded bus? 

Once upon a time (you know it's gonna be good, because it starts like that), Alyx was in college. She lived in an apartment complex full of handsome young men with hot bods (I didn't know my husband yet, so it's okay to say that guys). 

psh, yeah... Channing Tatum lived there. Except not.

Alyx rode a shuttle bus to school most days because she was too cheap to pay $500 a semester for parking. Unfortunately for her, many of the hotties with bodies also rode said shuttle bus. Normally this was not a problem, but one morning it was. 

You see, Alyx had just finished her laundry and was running late. She threw her laptop and books into her backpack, and sprinted out the door. What she didn't know, however, is that a pair of pink, lacy, polka dot panties had also made their way out of the apartment. 

She made it to the bus in time, and, out of breath, took a seat behind Mr. Sexy Face. As she sat down, Mr. Sexy Face turned to her, held up the panties, and said, "Ummm. I think you dropped these." 

....At least they weren't granny panties?? 

Please note that this is my "most embarrassing moment" (at least the most embarrassing one that will find its way to the interwebs), and I'm linking up here (even though I've failed at this whole "blog every day in May" thing). 

In other news, the book for this month's Blogger Book Club is 1984 by George Orwell. Go out and get a copy from your local library and read along with us, why don't you? 

That Just Happened.

I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in this head of mine. I don't even know where to start or what to say. So... until I get my head figured out, I will leave you with this vlog. You should watch it, because it's a funny story - at least I think it is (and yes, this DID happen... and yes, I realize I use the word, "like" a lot).

Happy Thursday! 

Oh, Hi Neighbor. WIWW. Hooker Shoes on a Sunday. Sometimes I Crawl.

Linking up here.

shirt: old navy skirt, belt: f21 shoes: charlotte russe

Once upon a time, I went to take pictures in my backyard. It was totally normal (as normal as taking outfit photos in a backyard can be, anyway) and all good until Mike started laughing. Our neighbor was pretty confused as to why I was outside modeling hooker shoes and a skirt for my husband. We must be some kind of kinky. 

... okay, so I realize that's not even remotely kinky, but whatever. On to more important things. Like this amazing DIY (I so wish I was crafty. and a trash digger. or both.). Or like how burritos are the best thing since sliced bread. Or... Like how my legs feel like they're going to fall off. You want to know why? Okay, let me tell you. 

Have you ever heard of Insanity with Shaun T? Yeah, I've done that workout program 1.5 times (the half was the summer before we went to Germany). It's freaking hard. 

via

You know what's harder, though? Kettlebell Kardio at the Northeast YMCA in Lincoln, NE. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I have never been this sore. Now, I realize that this is only my 3rd week of working out, but seriously. It's like Insanity on steroids. Not only are you doing crap like burpees and cross-jacks, but you're adding in resistance training with one of these puppies: 

via

Yeah. It sucked. And me, being the super competitive idiot that I am, decided to try and keep up with the ripped out of her mind instructor, even when my legs started to shake. Bad idea. 

You know what else was a dumb idea? Going to cycling last night to try and make my legs feel better. Oh, they felt great when I was on the bike. When I got home, though? I started to crawl around the house because it was less painful than walking. Crawling was alternated with shrieks of pain. This was me: 

Moral of the story: Don't ever exercise. Or, if you start exercising, don't take a year off, because it will kill you when you decide to go back to the gym. 

The End.

A Day in the Life. Public Service Announcements.

Hey guys!! 


Hope you're all having an awesome week so far! Thank goodness it's almost Friday.

Some public service Announcements for you people:

1. I believe shorts are meant to cover more than your undergarments. If your boy short panties are hanging out of your shorts, you should probably invest in either some different underwear or different shorts. Preferably different shorts.

2. I've added some new prints & photographs to the shop over the past few weeks. Yay. Get 15% off through August 1st with code: BLOGGY15

3. Canned chicken is good for chicken salad, but not chicken enchiladas. I was desperate last week and didn't want to go to the store. Just doing my duty of warning you all so that you don't make the same mistake I did.

4. I am giving away a bracelet here. Entries are low, so you could win. Boom.

5. Thin is not always healthy, and not everyone can be thin. Please quit with this "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Yeah, and I'm sure you'll be saying that when you die of problems caused by anorexia. Pay attention to your body type. If you're naturally bigger, nothing you can do will make you a stick, so don't kill yourself trying.

Last but not least... The following conversation with one of my besties is pretty much a daily occurrence in our lives. Especially when my husband steals my phone.

Happy Thursday!! 

I Stole This Post Idea.

Hi, my name is Alyx, and I'm a lazy blogaholic. 

I'm a bit distracted at the moment, due to moving and landlord issues, so don't hate me because of the totally, 100% stolen post idea. Seriously. I'd cry. And... I stole this idea from my lovely Blogger of the month, Jennie.

Today we will be taking a walk down memory lane. Basically, I will be showing you guys how stupid I was in high school, because that sounds fun, right? No? Okay, you can click away now. 

Before I do that, though, let me remind you about Christmas in July! Signup is open till June 20th. 


And... in case you're interested in reading about what the expat life is really like... you should head over here to Katie's awesome bloggy. 

Now we're off to see the Alyx, the Alyx of Memory Lane (I hope you sang that to the tune of "We're off to see the Wizard," because that just totally fits). 

I went to senior prom with a good friend because no one asked me, and there was no way I was going stag. 

What? You guys didn't play dress up when you were 15?? 

This was in Germany when I was a junior in high school.

Senior picture. 

Phone sex. Get it?? HA. HA. HA! 

I don't even know. I just thought you guys would enjoy seeing what I really look like. 

This was the only school dance I ever got asked to... and it wasn't even at my school. 

About ten minutes after this picture was taken, I went and told a guy that I liked his pants, but that they would look better on my floor. I was totally joking. He thought I was funny[looking], so we ended up having a sort of "thing" that ended in a kiss by the hippos at the zoo. Romantic, no? 

Oh, you know. Just a nice butt shot from below. 

This is pretty much the story of my life.

So... there you go. You have now seen high school Alyx, in all her glory. Or some of it. Or really not very much at all. Basically.... I was exactly the same as I am now. Only not as awesome. The awesomeness thing has grown with time. 

Obviously I'm kidding. 

Awkward & Awesome.

Hiiii Guys!!! 

In case you didn't know from this post, 

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!! If you don't know what day... you're disowned. Hunger Games, DUH!

Actually, while you're reading this... I'm probably in the theater. Yes, that's right, I'm scheduling a post for today so that I keep my little fingers from ruining the movie for everyone else. You're welcome. 

I almost never do awkward and awesome, but I figured, "What the hey. Anything is better than ruining HG for all those pretty people." So... if this a&a sucks... I'm sorry. But not really. 

Awkward. 

1. This video. I did debate putting this in the "awesome" category, though. I'm just that cool. 

2. Going on my first run after 6 months of not working out. Guys, I almost died (and not because I was running through the forest alone at twilight). I had an asthma attack, my knee swelled up to the size of a baseball (I'm actually not even supposed to run, but it's not like I have very many workout options here), and I tripped (on nothing) and flailed around for dear life. This is why I would rather bike 30 miles than run one, or swim 2 miles than run one. 

this person obviously wants Sonic to run like me. 

3.  My German. I haven't spoken German in forever. Anyone wanna practice with me? It's bad, though. 

via

4. Forgetting to tell my ride to work that I didn't have to work this morning, and then running outside in a tshirt (without a bra) and sweats (pretty much forbidden in Germany) to tell him, "Oh, yeah... I forgot to call you...

5. Always having to do things in groups of five even if you have nothing else to say. I believe this is self-explanatory. 

Awesome. 

1. I am probably watching the Hunger Games right now. Nuff said. 

via

2. This video. I was going to put it under "awkward", but I decided that "awesome" was the better choice. 

3. Freakin' Spring and Sunshine! Holy amazeballs I love this weather! 

4. Playing Hunger Games in the Forest with Husband. No, we did not kill each other, but we did run around with sticks. Yeah, we're freaks. And yes, you're invited to come to Germany and play with us. 

5. The 3 blog designs I've done this week. I think they're pretty freakin' rad, if I do say so myself. You can click the picsies and they'll take you to the blog so you can see the designs "in action" (and check out some pretty amazing bloggers at the same time)!

Happy Hunger Games!! 

What It's Like. (Awkward and Awesome Part One)

What's up, people? I know, I'm getting really creative here. Funny story - I actually had a different greeting on here that I got from Google, and turns out it was a horrible word. So... lesson learned. Never, ever turn to Google for your silly blogger greetings. Just a word of advice. And thank you to the lovely reader who notified me as to what that meant. Oh my gosh. So embarrassed! You can add that to the awkward list for today. 
Anyway. Moving on. If you were a creepy stalker who sat around and watched us in our home for hours on end fly on the wall in our apartment, you would witness some ridiculous things. Some of which are awesome, some of which are awkward. I bring you Awkward and Awesome: At Home with the Garners Edition. Although... there's so much awkward, I think I'll save the awesome for next week. 
Part One: Awkward.Let me talk about the awkward first, because there's just so much to go around: 
- occasionally coming home to a drunk landlord (at 8:30 p.m.). I feel like this doesn't really need too much explanation. 
- coming home from the grocery store with a bunch of frozen goods. You may think, but why is this awkward? Because we have a freezer the size of a shoe box. Watching your 6'7" husband trying with all his might to shut a tiny fridge is actually quite awkward, but also hilarious. 

- The tricks Hubby plays on me. It is not unusual for Hubby to jump out from a dark corner at 2:00 in the morning as I'm walking by, fresh out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, humming "Hit Me Baby One More Time" to myself. I then scream at the top of my lungs, drop my towel, and turn to run. Yeah, we're cool. 
- having more than 2 guests over at once. I recently invited 5 people over to our 450 sq. ft.  apartment without really thinking. We have one table and 4 chairs. Yeah, not enough room for 7 people. We ended up sitting in our bedroom/living room to eat. It was fine, until I accidentally ninja-kicked the jar that I was drinking out of (we only have 4 glasses...) under the couch. It shattered. 

the room in which the ninja-kicking took place, and the couch under which the jar shattered. 

- How loud we are. Thank goodness for well-built German houses, otherwise we'd be on the street. It is not unusual for us to break out into song (at the top of our lungs), for me to scream at the top of my lungs when I see a huge spider, or for me to yell to Hubby to get my towel for me because I forgot to grab it before I went to shower. And believe me - I am loud. I bet I could beat any of you in a "how loud can you be" contest. Random fact - my mom once told me to use my inside voice, and I yelled back at her, "THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE!!!"
- The obscene amount of pop that we drink. Guys, it's not only awkward, it's borderline unhealthy. I'm not even going to tell you how much it is because it's awful. Let me just show you our weekly supply.

- How intense games get. I'm really competitive. Really. I get it from my dad. Anyway, it also happens to be that Hubby is really good at games, and he always wins. Every time. This makes me mad. After 5 or 6 games of something, I generally accuse him of cheating, then I throw my hands in the air, tell him I will never play with him again, then go sulk. Three hours later, I feel the need to redeem myself, and the whole cycle repeats itself. 
So there you have it. Stay tuned, because next week the theme will be how awesome we are. Ha. 
PS Don't forget about the Sunday Confessions Link Party! 

Thankful (+ Awkward & Awesome) Thursday

Hellooooooo Germany (see video below)!!!! Oh, and all you other people, too.

Since it's close to Thanksgiving, I thought I'd join in on the "Thankful Thursdays" party. Here are three things I'm thankful for this week:
1. Family and Friends. Seriously, I don't think I've ever been so thankful for these people. Living thousands of miles away from the people who mean the most to you really puts things into perspective, just sayin'.

2. These guys. We feed them every week, and they're great. I don't care if you're mormon or not, you have to admire a 19 year-old young man who is willing to dedicate two years of his life to serving Christ. These are 2 amazing missionaries, and we're so glad that we've gotten to know them since moving here.

3. My health. I complain about my stupid body every other day - I seriously have the joints of a 90 year-old lady (not kidding, Hubby tells me all the time). But ya know what?! At least I have a body that functions properly. I may not be able to run marathons, and my knees may not be able to handle constant running and jumping, but I can run, I can walk, I can skip, hop, and jump. I don't have any major health issues. I am so blessed, and half the time I complain about it! What the heck is wrong with me?

Anyway, that being said... How about a little awkward/awesome (-ness)? 


a.w.k.w.a.r.d.
-- Accidentally flipping a kid off in a 6th grade English class yesterday. Don't ask how it happened. I didn't even realize it until they all started laughing and one said, "Sie zeigte dir den Stinkefinger an!" Oh.my.gosh. Oops. 
-- Pushing on every single pull door today. Not even kidding - every single one. 
-- Explaining to a teacher that I missed her class yesterday because a) I thought it was Thursday, and b) I wrote it down in my planner wrong anyway.
-- Looking at Hubby during dinner with the missionaries and saying, "Oh, for a second there, I thought you forgot to put on a shirt!"

a.w.e.s.o.m.e.
-- Being told by a student today that I gave an awesome lesson. On Aboriginal Canadians (a not very exciting topic). Score! 
-- Getting birthday cards in the mail.
-- Finding a German book (Eine Unbeliebte Frau) that I actually like, can read fairly quickly, and can understand! If you speak German, I highly recommend this book! 
-- Having students recognize me and smile and wave at me instead of running away.


HAPPY THURSDAY (real this time), EVERYONE!! 

My Life is a Big Ole Bowl of AWKWARD.

Ohmygosh. So, I was originally going to jump on the blogging bandwagon and do an "Awkward and Awesome Thursday" post, but, alas... my life is so awkward that if I waited until Thursday to post all the things saved in the "Notes" on my iPhone (what, you don't catalogue awkward moments as they happen to you?), I would have a long, awkward novel.

So... enjoy the awkwardness that is my everyday life. :)
-- Trying over and over again to use a train ticket machine that has an "out of order" sign on it in plain sight, and having multiple Germans (many of them students of mine) walk by giving me weird looks. They were probably all thinking, Wow, she really is a stupid American...

[credit]

-- Sitting on the train, watching the train next to us pull out, thinking that we're the ones moving, and jumping up to try to get off because I thought we were going in the wrong direction.
-- Falling asleep on said train, and waking up right as the doors were closing and the train was about to leave my stop, jumping up while wiping drool off of my face, and sprinting off.

[credit]

-- Going to a class to talk to a girl that I'm supposed to be tutoring, only to realize that the girl isn't even in that English class, let alone that grade. Oops.
-- Singing Silent Night in a German cathedral with Hubby. No, that's not the awkward part; however, the audience of random Germans was.
-- Dropping a piece of chalk while writing on the board in an 8th grade class, then making the mistake of bending over to pick it up to the sound of 2 adolescent German boys saying, "oooooh..."

[credit]

-- Wearing a sweatshirt and jeans to class for like, the 2nd time all school year, and having someone ask, "Do Americans always dress so plain?" Umm, no. I'm just dressed like this because I stayed up until 4 a.m. working on the lesson that I'm giving you right now. But thanks for noticing, kid. Even better - it was a Disneyland sweatshirt. Ach, Mensch!

-- Being the only person in the Blogosphere that did not have a super cool "What I wore/did for Halloween" post. Sorry, guys. Maybe next year when I'm not in a foreign country. I felt kind of left out. Imagine what Thanksgiving is going to be like! I have to work. That's just wrong. Am I right?!


Yeah, I'm sure there are more, but these were the ones that I'd written down, because I'm awesome like that.

How Did I Look Like an Idiot Today? Let Me Count the Ways...

Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to make an idiot out of myself fairly often, whether it's saying something before I think, losing something that's right in front of me, etc. etc. Well, today was an especially "dumb" day for me, and I just thought I'd share some of my idiocy with anyone who cares to read it.

1. For some reason, the train was cancelled this morning, and I had to sit at the train station for an extra hour, causing me to arrive in Nidda about 15 minutes after class had started. Upon arrival at the Bahnhof, I started speed-walking toward the Gymnasium. Out of breath already, I sprinted up the 3 flights of stairs to the classroom, stopped outside the door to regain my composure, and knocked on the door. I opened the door and didn't recognize the teacher. At all. Ummm... it was the wrong classroom. I was supposed to be next door. So I go next door and am admitted into the room, but since it's a class I've never visited before, they are all staring at me like I'm some sort of alien. It probably didn't help that I looked like a wet dog (it was sort of rainy outside, and the mist combined with my sweat made me look like a hot mess, I'm sure).

2. As I was walking briskly down a busy hall during a Pause, I walked straight into a door, because I thought it was a "push" door, but it definitely said, "ziehen" (German for "pull"). Oops.

3. I tripped on the sidewalk as I was trying to speed-walk to the train station after school. Luckily, no one saw that one.

4. I got to the train station, went to the ticket machine, started to buy a ticket, saw what I *thought* was my train getting ready to leave, decided to ditch the ticket and buy one on the train, sprinted to the track and up the stairs, only to find out that the train was going to Giessen. I walked back to the ticket machine to finish my transaction, and a little old lady who saw the whole thing just looked at me like I was on crack.

5. I got on a train at 1:00, expecting it to leave for Friedberg at 1:27. Around 1:15, I see all the students who usually ride on the same train as me come up the stairs to the track, look at the train, and stay outside. I'm the ONLY person on the train at this point. I think nothing of it for a couple of minutes, and then realize that more and more people are coming up the stairs to the track and NOT getting on the train. Finally, a kid gets on the train, and I ask him where the train is going. Gelnhausen. Great. At this point, there are about 50 people out on the track, and they all watch me get off the train and cross over to the other side to catch that train.

6. At the grocery store, the cashier told me the total for our groceries. It was $4.42 (or so I THOUGHT). After I handed her the change, she just sort of stared at me. Mike finally figures out that she said $4.72. Ugh, so I look at her and say, "Oh! Ich hab gedacht, dass Sie zwo und VIERZIG gesagt haben. Ha. Aber Sie haben zwo und SIEBZIG gesagt. Haha." Right. Then I just left. Nice.

That's about it, but then again, it IS only 3:45, so who knows what other opportunities I'll find?

--M&A