Callum Michael - A Birth Story (I GOT MY VBAC!)

I know, I know. It's been forever since I've written. Eventually I'll do an update on our life, but I really, really want to share one of the most special, healing moments of my life. As you may or may not know, I gave birth to Elsie in May of 2013 via c-section for "failure to progress."

At the time, I did not realize how much of an effect her birth would have on me emotionally. I suffered severe post-partum depression (that I sort of refused to recognize), and had a lot of trauma associated with that birth experience. At some point I will revisit that experience and the emotions that it brings up now, but for now, I want to share the story of my VBAC.

This post will contain the story of the actual birth, while it is still fresh in my mind. At some point in the coming weeks, I would like to post about the months leading up to Callum's birth - how I prepared myself, my fears, my thoughts, and my desires. This story, though, starts on Sunday, March 22nd.

On Sunday afternoon, I was 4 days past my estimated due date with no signs of labor, which was fine with me - I expected to go "overdue." We joined Mike's dad in Salt Lake City for some family time at the park. We walked around quite a bit, and as we got ready to go home, I started to experience mild contractions approximately 20 minutes apart. They continued throughout the night, and I let myself get a little bit excited.

Monday morning around 7:00 am, the contractions became more sporadic and varied in intensity and frequency. I continued to go about my day as usual. Around sunset, though, the contractions came back and were approximately 10-15 minutes apart, and a bit more intense than they had been the previous night. I knew pre-labor was a thing, though, so, again, I ignored them as best I could and went about my day. Again, the contractions became sporadic as the sun came up.

The exact same thing happened again Tuesday night, then Wednesday night, each night the contractions became more intense and more frequent. On Wednesday night, they kept me up the whole night and were 5-7 minutes apart. Somehow I knew it wasn't "time" yet, but I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that I began to pray that he would just make his appearance soon. Thursday night was more of the same, with contractions spacing out and becoming sporadic on Friday morning.

Friday night, contractions started as they usually did around 7:00. This time, though, they were much more intense. I was a little annoyed, because I hadn't really been able to sleep much over the past few days, and I still just knew that it wasn't time. Contractions stopped around midnight that night, and I was so relieved - I COULD SLEEP! Until... they woke me up at 3:00 a.m. I spent most of that night in the tub and shower, breathing through some incredibly intense contractions, waiting for the sun to come up so that I could get some rest.

But... the contractions never stopped. I didn't want to go to the hospital till the last minute, so we made the decision to go about our day as normal. We went to an Easter egg hunt, did some house hunting, and spent time as a family, all while I was in labor, with contractions approx. 10 minutes apart. Saturday night was miserable, I don't think I slept much. I decided not to go to church on Sunday (the only way to get through these contractions was to stand and sway my hips... can't really do that when you're sitting on a pew). We went to the hospital to get an NST to make sure Callum was doing okay (at this point, I was 41 + 4). I got a lot of "Oh, you're pretty far over your due date to try for a safe vaginal delivery" or "Failure to progress usually doesn't make a good VBAC candidate" or "Oh, I'm surprised you haven't been scheduled for a RCS yet." Of course my kid was a champ - no problems whatsoever. We opted to leave the hospital and go for a walk, I tried to ignore the pain I was in and enjoy the time with Mike.

Sunday night was MISERABLE. I cried and cried, even begged Mike to take me to the hospital so that I could just "have a repeat c-section  - dealing with that would be easier than going through this labor!" I showered and bathed, showered and bathed, cried an ugly-girl cry, then showered and bathed some more. I determined that I had HAD it with this labor and that I'd call my OB (who happened to be out of town) first thing in the morning.

Monday morning I called Dr. Wall and asked him if we could schedule an induction for the following day when he returned, and asked what my options were to manage the pain until then. He suggested going to the hospital to get a morphine shot so that I could relax and get some sleep. We decided that we would induce on Tuesday night when he returned. I went through Monday absolutely miserable. Mike came home from work early, we took Elsie to her cousins' house, and we packed the bags in the car, just in case we decided to stay in Sandy.

We got to the hospital around 5:30 p.m. on Monday. At that point, I'd been in active labor for about 62 hours. Before they could administer morphine, they had to monitor me for an hour to make sure that the drugs wouldn't affect the baby. Before they put the monitor on, they checked me - I was at a 2 - the same place I'd been 3.5 weeks earlier (that was discouraging, ,to say the least). After an hour, before they gave me the morphine shot, they checked me again and I was a 3+. Holy cow! I had progressed! We opted to stay for another hour just to make sure I was good to go home, but at the end of that hour, I was a 4. We decided to stay and labor at the hospital. I texted my amazing doula and let her know that I would probably be calling her in a few hours, and then I got some rest.

I asked my doula to come around 11:30, once things got to the point where I really couldn't handle much more pain. Once I progressed to a 5, we opted to break my water to try and speed things up. I labored by walking the halls, bouncing on the ball, and lying in the tub.

To this point, my hypnobirthing techniques were serving me pretty well. I can't remember when it was, but at some point around 4:00 in the morning, the pain just multiplied. I couldn't breathe through it anymore, I was shaking like crazy, and I just wanted to cry. I had to be somewhere around an 8, right?!

Nope. I was a 6. A freaking 6. I still had 4 cm to go before I was ready to push this kid out. It got to the point where I was begging for an epidural. Lucky for me, I had a fabulous support team in my doula and my husband, and the nurse was absolutely fantastic, as well. We were able to discuss the option of an epidural (I originally wanted to go unmedicated), and they all made sure to reinforce the fact that getting one was not failing. It was OKAY. I just *knew* that if I got the epidural, I would be able to relax, sleep, and my body would do what it was supposed to do. I had an overwhelming feeling of peace - I knew that, at that point, the epidural was what I needed in order to have the birth I so badly wanted.

I think the epidural was administered around 6:00 or 6:30 am, and by 7:30, my body had progressed to a 9. I opted to sleep for a few more hours, and in that time, Callum moved down the birth canal, my body progressed to a 10, and Kristina, Michael, and I, all caught up on our beauty sleep. Around 11:00, they asked me if I wanted to start pushing or let the baby move down to a more favorable position while I slept and rested some more. Let's see, here... push for three hours, or sleep for two hours and push for one? Ummm yeah. Sleep won that battle, hands down. About 12:45pm, the nurse came in and we decided that it was time to start pushing.

Callum Michael was born at 1:46 pm, March 31st after almost 82 hours of labor and one hour of pushing. He weighed 8 lbs, 13 oz, was 22 inches long, and had a 14.76" head circumference. I wound up with a 2nd degree tear (which is nothing compared to that c-section scar!).

I have never in my life felt so strong, so empowered, so exhausted, so happy, so AMAZING as I did in that moment. My body was not broken. I did not fail. I am strong. I am healed. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Hey guys! 

Long time, no blog. I've been at a standstill with blogging lately because, well, I have felt like I have absolutely nothing to blog about. As much as I love Elsie, I don't want this blog to just be about her. I'm not super crafty, so that's out. I don't like cooking. I don't get the chance to travel as much as I used to. My life centers around a number of things.
1. God - I have no intentions of blogging about religion. It's something that is very near and dear to my heart, and I'd like to keep it that way.
2. My family - while they are my whole life and posts may still occasionally focus on them, I don't want this blog to be all about us.
3. Photography - I have a blog just for my photography, so I'll keep that out of here, unless it's a simple tutorial or something.
4. Health & Fitness - when I'm not taking care of any of the previously mentioned things, I'm probably exercising or working on my Beachbody Business.

As many of you know, I'm pregnant with our second child & due in March. I really let myself go when I was pregnant with Elsie, and I DON'T want to do that again. So... I'm changing the focus of this blog. It's still going to be a lifestyle blog with a little bit of everything, but my primary focus will be on health and fitness. For now, I'm going to schedule out the time to blog once a week. If I can make it more often than that, great! If not... oh, well.

I miss you guys and this community, I really do. But blogging is not a priority right now. I've got a lot going on, and I've had to change my priorities around. Anyway, I'll be seeing you more often. Love you guys, and thanks for sticking around!

Let's try this confession thing again

Happy Sunday! 

Blah blah blah (insert something snarky, yet charming here)... blah blah blah... I don't feel like scraping the bottom of my brain for something interesting to say in this post intro... blah. blah. BLAH.

1. My boobs post-baby suck. There, I said it. They are smaller than they were before and they're like deflated balloons. Thanks, Elsie. But... really, I love you so much that I am okay with the fact that I gave up my boobs for you.

2. I'm obsessed with the Better Homes and Gardens candles from Wal-Mart. I seriously think they're better than Yankee Candles. And that's saying a lot, because I hate Wal-Mart with a fiery burning passion (meaning that I also have to hate everything that comes from Wal-Mart).

3. Since discovering running tights, I don't know if I'll ever run in shorts again. Eh, who am I kidding?! The second it gets above 40 degrees I'll be singing the song, "Who wears short shorts? ALYX wears short shorts!" and bouncing down the street in my neon yellow running shorts.

4. I hate running, but I signed up for a half marathon. I think I was drugged and forced against my will to sign up. Or someone spiked my kool-aid. Or I am just really good at succumbing to peer pressure.

5. I've gots da baby fever. You can thank newborn photography for that. I mean, really - just LOOK AT THIS BABY!!!

8 Months!

Hiii everybody! 

I'm sure you're probably all sick of the monthly updates, but I have to be honest and say... they're for me, not you all. I really don't want to forget anything!

So there will be the obligatory cute monthly photos sprinkled throughout the post, as usual.

Dear Elsie, 

You are, of course, as cute as ever. I just love your smiles and your laughter - they make every day a little easier.

You love to babble on and on and tell anyone and everyone what's on your mind. You're also a fan of the high-pitched scream... I'm not, though, so if you could kindly realize that it's no fun for mama's ears, I'd appreciate it. You still say "da-da," and it still melts our hearts every time.

You can almost clap and wave. It's so funny and cute when you try to do either one because you're not quite coordinated enough, but we enjoy watching you learn new things. You're still not quite into crawling, which I am TOTALLY okay with. Instead, you just roll from one side of the room to the other to get what you want. We're almost to the point where it would be wise to baby-proof.

You're too long for your baby car seat, so we have switched you to a convertible rear-facing seat. It definitely seems to be more comfortable for you, but it's kind of inconvenient when you fall asleep in the car.

You still wear size 2 diapers and are fitting 6-9 month clothing. The only brand you wear anymore is Carters, because everything else is for babies with a little more meat on their bones. I think you're perfect the way you are, baby chub or no baby chub. :)

We love you so very much, little monkey! You make our days a little brighter and fill our hearts with love. You are such a blessing and we are so glad we get to spend every day taking care of you!

Love, 

Mom

Elsie 5 Months

Hi Guys! 

So... this blog has been pretty neglected, but I guess that's what happens when you're a full-time mommy and grad student with a photography business on the side. Anyway... it's time for my monthly update on little miss Elsie. Yeah... sorry that almost all of my posts lately have been more for me than anyone else. I promise that if I can get a routine down, I will try to get into blogging a little more next semester.

Dear Elsie, 

At five months, you are still just a long, skinny thing. I'm not exactly sure how long you are or how much you weigh, but my guess would be that you're around 28 inches long and almost 14 lbs. You're wearing 3-6 month onesies and 0-3 month pants. You're getting close to moving into the 6 month onesies, but I get the feeling that it'll be a while till you fit 6 month pants.

I'm a little disappointed - I lost count of how many diapers you've gone through. I know, I know - I'm a failure of a mother.

You've now got TWO teeth! You're a bit of a grumpy pants when your teeth cut through, but can I blame you? No, not really - it seems like it totally sucks. You laugh at everything and are so, so alert. You talk constantly (just like mom), and it's so fun to have conversations with you.

You're a daddy's girl through and through, but you still have days where you just need your mom, and I'm totally okay with that. Your cuddles are rare, but when you give them, they instantly brighten my day and I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

We've tried solids a few times, but you don't really seem to be a fan. I think you just like secondhand ice cream and tacos WAY better than nasty mushed carrots or rice cereal. I can't blame you - I'm almost 25 and I still don't like carrots. They're icky.

Anyway, you're awesome and I love you lots. Keep on growing and learning, little monster!

Love, 

Mom

QUIT GROWING, DANGIT!

4 Month Stats: 

Length: 26 inches

Weight: 12 lbs 6.8 oz

Dear Elsie, 

You are such a smiley, happy little baby! I honestly don't know how I got so lucky. You've been rolling over from front to back for about three and a half weeks now, and you've started to try to army crawl. You know how to roll from your back to your tummy, but you have no desire whatsoever to do so. You love to blow spit bubbles, laugh your little belly laugh, and squeal at the top of your lungs. About a week ago, you discovered your little feet and grab onto them whenever you can. You've also discovered that you can manipulate mom and dad - way to go, smarty pants! 

You absolutely love music, and you sing. I know people think I'm crazy for saying that my 4-month-old baby can sing, but you can! You hum along when I play your favorite songs - I can't wait until you have words to put with your little hums. Dad is so excited for that, too, because he's convinced that you two are going to sing lots and lots of duets together. 

Other things you love: bath time, story time, and being outside. Oh, and bananas. But you don't get any more of those till you learn to like your veggies. 

We are working on teaching you German - so far I think you're doing great. I mean, you've already got all the growling and gagging sounds down... now you just need to combine those sounds with words and you're set! 

Anyway, you're pretty much the most amazing, most advanced baby ever. Obviously. 

As far as the ongoing diaper count is concerned, you have gone through 714, with another pack of 180 open and about halfway gone. You're in size 2's - your time in size 1's was short lived. I think you'll be in this size for a while, though. Oh, and you had your first massive blowout a few weeks ago. I mean, it was on the walls and everything. Pretty gross. 

So to sum it all up: you are smart, curious, lovely, funny, goofy, and perfect in every way. I don't think I could love you any more than I do if I tried. My heart is so full of love for you... it's the most amazing, phenomenal feeling knowing that you are mine. I am blessed to be your mama. I love you, Elsie Lyn. 

Love, 

Mom

Growing up is Hard to do

Yo, yo, yo!! 

Just to let you all know - this blog post is kind of a way for me to put off reading German lit. So... you should probably all just yell at me right now.

In other news... Elsie turned three months on Saturday! I seriously can't believe it's been that long already (I know, I know... I say that all. the. freaking. time.) So... here's a little letter to my little girl!

Dear Elsie bear, 

I still can't believe you're mine to keep forever (well, until some handsome dude decides to sweep you off your feet, but let's not talk about that). I look at you and I see a beautiful, smart, curious, and strong little girl. You're always so happy - I'm not really sure how I ended up so lucky. When I wake up in the morning, there you are, ready to greet me with a big, toothless grin. When I tell you I love you, you smile up and me and growl (I'm convinced it's Elsie-language for, "I love you, too, Mom"). When your dad and I sing to you, you look up at us with those big blue eyes of yours and start to coo along. I can't wait until that cooing becomes actual singing - if you're anything like your dad, you will have an amazing voice.

Every day I fall more and more in love with you. Sure, there are days where I wonder what the heck I'm doing, but for the most part, you and I make a pretty good team. I love absolutely everything about you, and I am so excited to watch you grow and progress. Part of me wishes you'd stay little forever, but then I wouldn't get the opportunity to teach you, and that would be pretty lame.

Elsie, you are the best thing that has ever happened to your daddy and I, and we thank God every day that He brought you into our lives. I love you, you little turkey!!

Love, 

Mom

That Time We Took a Roadtrip

Okay, okay, Courtney.... this one's for you. :)

Once upon a time, we took a road trip to the grand ole state of Utah (that's right, not only the Mormon motherland, but also the blogging motherland. Coincidence? I think not, but we'll get into the whole Mormon blogger thing another time).

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, right... we took a road trip to Utah. This was like, ages ago. And you know what?! I had my camera, but I did not take one. single. picture. How's that for rockstar blogger status? I know, I know... I'm the next "Daybook."

Okay, I keep getting off track here. So I was in the Mormon/Blogging motherland, and you know what?! I only met ONE blogger. I'm a disgrace, I know. In my defense, we were only in Utah for four days and (because we are Mormon) approximately 92.6% of our relatives live there. You all know what that means, right? Nonstop family visits. Like, we pop in, say, "HI! How are you? Great? Great. I'm good, too. Welp, gotta get to my great aunt's sister's cousin's house to see how she and her family are doing, so see ya!"

Maybe not quite that extreme, but you get the idea. So yeah. Anyway, I got to meet this super awesome blogger and her super adorable baby (seriously - cutest kid in the world besides Elsie). My darling daughter was covered in puke from altitude sickness (the grandpa took over and shooed me out the door because I was in tears that she was losing weight and spitting up everything she ate), so she didn't get to come with me, but Courtney, Mia, and I had a blast. We ate frozen yogurt, asked a random dude to take our picture, then asked a bored cashier to take our picture again because said random dude was a really crappy picture-taker, and had an all-around good time.

Picture or it didn't happen.

BOOM. It happened. 

Two Months.

Happy Friday!!! 

Two months ago (Thursday), I went through this to bring a perfect little baby into this world. Crazy how time flies, because I still feel like it was only a few weeks ago that I found out I was pregnant. Anyway, here's the monthly update on little Elsie. I figured that, this time, I'd write her a little letter.

Dear Elsie, 

I still look at you every day and find it hard to believe that you're actually mine. I mean, yes, I carried around an extra 45 lbs when you were in my belly, but even that doesn't really seem real. I'm not sure when it will all sink in, but until then I will be in awe.

You are such a chill, easygoing baby. Quite frankly, I'm spoiled by you. You never cry (unless you're in pain or really mad at me for taking longer than five seconds to whip out my boob) and you've always got a big smile on your face. You don't mind chilling on your blanket or in your swing so that I can get a workout in or do some dishes. You have your days where all you want is to be cuddled and I have learned to treasure those times. I may not get anything done, but I've spent hours holding you close to me. Those are hours that I'll never get back, and I'm glad they were spent with you.

You are just fine with letting people other than mom and dad hold you, but you know who we are - especially dad. You get a huge smile on your face when he gets home from work and says hello.

You're quite the chatterbox - even now, as I write this, you're sitting behind me in your pack and play, talking my ear off. I love the sounds you make, I love your giggles (which, by the way, your first one was July 19), and I love that you sing along to our music.

You've gone through a whopping 366 diapers, with a case of 108 opened and about a quarter of the way gone. Thank goodness you're not going through 12 a day anymore, because that was exhausting. You love it when it's time to get a diaper change - you smile and squeal and kick your legs as fast as they'll move. Speaking of diapers, you're FINALLY in a size one!

We haven't had your 2 month appointment yet, but you weigh about 9 lbs 5 oz and are approximately 24 inches long. You're still squeezing into newborn onesies, but I don't think it will be too long before you move on up to 0-3 month. As far as sleepers go, you're almost too long for the 0-3 month ones, so we'll move you up to 3 month sleepers soon, I'm sure. Your little legs and waist are so skinny that I don't think you'll ever be out of newborn pants and skirts. I'm just fine with that, though. I love how tiny you are.

Elsie, I love you more than anything in the world! I love everything about you. Heck, I'm even almost to the point where I don't have a mental breakdown anytime I get your poop on me. And that, my little friend, is progress.

Love, 

Mom. 

Tweeeeners!

Happy Thursday! 

Almost through the week, HALLELUJAH! Actually, since I'm not working anymore, I guess it doesn't really matter to me. All I know is that, as the weeks pass, my little girl is slowly getting bigger and bigger, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I love that she is growing up, but I hate it at the same time. AND I'm like, "Where the h-e-double hockey sticks have the last eight weeks gone?!" Life goes by a whole lot quicker these days.

Anyway, speaking of the little one, I found some pictures that do, in fact, prove that she looks like me! We are little twins. :)

Obviously she's cuter. :)

That Time I Wished I Didn't Have Boobs.

Happy Wednesday!!! 

So. I've mentioned on this here blog that I've had issues with breastfeeding (and by issues, I mean that I bawled every single day, dropped the "f bomb" a lot, continually repeated that I hated my life, and yelled about how much I hated breastfeeding). Why didn't I just quit, you ask??

1. Since I opted to quit my full-time job so that I could stay at home, we are po (can't even afford the "o-r," people) and formula is not cheap. If you're not a mom and don't already know this, go to the baby section of Target next time you're there and check it out.

2. I am competitive. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just kept saying, "If insert name here can do it, I should be able to!"

3. Momma's milk really is better for baby.

So anyway, let me tell you a little bit about what I went through.

In the hospital, Elsie had no problem whatsoever latching on and sucking. Girl has the suction of a freaking hoover, people!! She would get frustrated because the colostrum wouldn't come right away, but she was doing it.

Two days after the c-section (Sunday morning), I woke up and my boobs were, no joke, the size of cantaloupes. They had to be g's, I swear. And when I touched them to figure out what the crap was going on, they were rock hard. Because they were so stretched, poor Elsie couldn't get a latch if you know what I mean! I had no clue what was going on! Apparently I didn't know too much about BFing, because I had no idea that engorgement was a thing.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the lactation consultant in the hospital was awful. She was not helpful at all, and she beat the crap out of my boobs. She forced Elsie to latch before the engorgement was gone, and I ended up with scabbed over and bleeding nipples. She "massaged" the milk out, and was super rough, so I literally had bruises everywhere. In the end, she gave me a nipple shield and didn't really tell me anything about it except how to use it.

Fast forward three weeks, and I am desperate to get off the shield. This stupid piece of plastic was the bane of my existence, I tell you! Elsie would suck so hard that she pulled my nipple through the little holes on the shield. It hurt like the mother effing dickens. I was about to throw in the towel and say, "the hell with it" and pump exclusively, but holy balls, pumping is a ton of work.

I looked in my handy dandy breastfeeding book, asked for advice on Facebook,  and saw a couple lactation consultants; nothing worked. NOTHING. I was on the verge of giving up when we left for Utah. When we were in Utah, though, we stopped by Mike's brother's house. Out of nowhere, Matt's (Mike's bro) wife asked me if I was breastfeeding and how it was going. I told her that it wasn't going great and she offered to help me out. You must understand something - she and I have had our differences and have not always gotten along the best. This would be why Mike and I were both shocked when I said, "Yes."

People, this is when it all changed. A complete 180. Amy taught me something that she likes to call, "The Perfect Latch." Out of the three lactation consultants I saw, none of them taught me this latch! This latch was seriously a friggin' miracle. If only I had known about this from the beginning, my life would have been so. much. easier. We were completely off the nipple shield from that day on. The soreness went away, I don't cry about breastfeeding anymore, and I can go places and not worry about how I'm going to feed my child if she gets hungry and I don't have a bottle or the shield. If you are breastfeeding and have tried everything and want to rip your hair out, let me know and I can get you in contact with her.

I'm not really one of the sentimental people who wanted to breastfeed because of the bond between mama and baby - my motives were purely financial. That's not to say that I haven't noticed the special bond it creates, because I have! I just generally don't like to get all mushy gushy about that stuff.

So there you have it - I no longer wish that I didn't have boobs (although I am looking forward to the day that my husband can take care of all the feedings), and I can do it, just like all those other moms. Oh, and I'm saving a butt load of money. Win.

And.... just for good measure, here's a picture of me and my little bestie.

One Month

Happy Monday!! 

I'm posting this from my phone, so that's why the picture is not the greatest and the formatting is probably all funky. 

Anyway. 

Today Miss Elsie is a month old! I seriously can't believe it's been that long. I mean, where the heck have I been? Sheesh. So here's the mandatory "one month" photo:

Let's see here... What am I supposed to say? Oh, right. 

Weight: not positive on this one since its been almost a week since we weighed her, but I'm pretty positive that she's right at 8 lbs. 

Length: 23 inches

Cuteness factor: 15 on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not biased at all. 

Awesome skills and stuff: This is the part where I tell you how advanced my baby is, because everyone thinks their baby is the most advanced human being in the world. But I guess I'll tell you the cool things my kid does. She's accidentally rolled from her back to her tummy twice now (each time there was a tiny bit of an incline). She smiles so much, especially when Mike or I wakes her up from her nap - she'll look up into our faces and give us a huge smile. Unfortunately, every time I whip out the camera, she stops. Ha! 

Other stuff: we have a very happy baby who also happens to be a fabulous sleeper. Unless she's growing, she gives us about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. Most nights I will wake up to pump, but if I'm super tired, I just pass out. 

This girl is a poop machine. In the first month of her life, we have changed 272 diapers (actually a few more than that, but we aren't through the next 42 pack, so I'm not counting any of those till the pack is gone). We're keeping track so that we can tell her high school boyfriends. 

We are still having some minor issues with breastfeeding, but that's a story for another post entirely (because I know you all wanna read a post about my boobs and their ability to feed this kid). 

Moral of the story: my baby is friggin awesome. Try not to be too jealous. FIST PUMP!!! 

Road Trippin'

Yo Homies. 

So we're going on a trip to Utah for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary and a family reunion. Call us crazy, but we are driving (well, sort of - we can't afford to drive ourselves, so we are driving down to Wichita [hey Sabrina, want to meet up on Monday?] to hitch a ride with the fam).

Do you know how long that drive is when you drive straight through? No? Let me tell you - Lincoln to Wichita is 4.5 hours, so not too bad. Wichita to American Fork, however, is a different story - it's a fifteen hour drive.

You may be thinking a few things: 

1. You are bat s*** crazy. 
2. How the eff are you going to do it? 
3. What in the world are you going to bring? 

Okay, you may not be thinking the third thing, but that's what I'm going to address in this here blog post (as for the other two - yes, we are friggin' insane and I have no clue).

1. Diapers & wipes. Ummm duh!!!!

2. Breast Pump (and AC adapter or batteries). There is no way in Haades that I am letting us stop every three hours so that I can spend 30-45 minutes feeding baby G. I mean, really. Instead, I will just pump every two hours so that Mike can give her a bottle when she gets fussy. Some people might prefer stopping to breast feed, but that's not me. Let's get there as fast as possible, am I right?

3. Baby Carrier. I'm bringing our Moby wrap and our other baby wrap on this trip. You have to have baby with you constantly, and I personally vote for the "hands free" option.

4. Stroller. I'll be bringing our jogging stroller because it's part of a travel system with our car seat. We may not be able to bring it everywhere, but since I plan on continuing my workout plan while we're out of town, this is a necessity.

buy it here

5. Pack n' play / bassinet. Our bassinet folds up just like our pack n' play, except it's quite a bit smaller. Because Elsie is still so little, we are conserving space and bringing the bassinet instead of the pack n' play. This is definitely a must, though, because the little one will need somewhere to nap/sleep at night.

buy it here

6. Precisely one million outfits. Seriously, though. I think Elsie is going through a growth spurt right now, so I'm going to bring newborn and 0-3 month outfits with us. I won't be bringing any sleepers because they just take up space, and she will get too warm when she's swaddled and wearing a sleeper.

7. HALO Sleep Sack. This is an outright necessity. Seriously. If you have a baby, go buy one now. Elsie can wiggle her arms out of virtually every other swaddling blanket/contraption except this one (I want to try the woombie... I think she'd have a hard time with that one, too). It's basically a baby straightjacket. We love it.

buy it here

8. Burp rags. Since we'll be bottle feeding while on the road, these are kind of a necessity, since homegirl likes to dribble and drool when given a bottle.

9. Receiving blankets. The temperature in the car is obviously a lot cooler than it is outside. We'll have her in a onesie or summery outfit and just throw a lightweight blanket on top of her for comfort.

10. Tide pen. Because you never know when an accident is going to happen. You may not be anywhere near a washing machine, and you definitely don't want that stain to set on baby's adorable outfit!

Am I forgetting any necessities? Help a momma out!! 

Elsie's big Day

Happy Wednesday!! 

As many of you know by now, I'm LDS (aka Mormon). For those of you that didn't know... SURPRISE, I'M MORMON!!! Now that we're all clear on that, I wanted to share some pictures from Elsie's blessing day (Sunday, June 9, 2013).

Before I share the pictures, I guess I could give a quick summary on what, exactly, a baby blessing is. In the LDS church, we do not baptize infants (the age of baptism in our church is 8 years and older. I'd tell you more about that, but that's a whole long post of its own), but we do bless them. Basically, this is a blessing where the child is given a name (officially) and a blessing for their life. It can be done at home or at church, but either way, it's a very special and sacred occasion, and family usually gathers for the event.

Elsie wore the same dress that I was blessed in - it was a little big on her, but I thought she was just perfect.

The booties are hand-made - my mom is amazing at crocheting, and she crocheted these little booties for Elsie the day before the blessing! I hope that these become a family heirloom, because they are absolutely beautiful.

We didn't really go crazy on Elsie's blessing day with a brunch or anything like that - we just kept it simple and hung out with our families.

Recovering.

Happy Monday!!

At just over three weeks since giving birth, I'm a little more than halfway through the standard recommended recovery time for a c-section. I thought I'd take a minute to let you guys in on what that "recovery" has been like for me, both emotionally and physically (note: this is not meant to be a "this is what recovery from a c-section is like for everyone" post).

Physically

I feel like I have been incredibly blessed in the "physical" aspect. Within a week, I could walk about 6 blocks without any pain (I probably walked slower than your 90-year-old grandmother, but I could walk!). At two weeks, I got the "okay" from my midwife to start exercising (no Jillian Michaels or Insanity - just simple things). At three weeks, I can comfortably jog 2-3 blocks and briskly walk 1-2 miles.

Exactly one week after the c-section

That first week, though? Let me tell you about it.

For the first 24 hours, I could barely move. The nifty hospital bed was the only way I could sit up or lean back. I couldn't laugh, sneeze, cough, or pass gas because it hurt so badly. I was drugged out of my frickin' mind - first it was morphine via the IV, but when that wasn't killing the pain, they switched me to 2 percocet every 4 hours. I was still hooked up to the catheter (thank goodness, because I don't think I could have gone to the bathroom if I'd tried!) and every two-four hours, a nurse would come in and push and prod my tummy, dangerously close to my incision. It hurt like a beep.

After about 72 hours, I could get up from the bed with help from Michael. I could go to the bathroom... with help from Michael. I could walk through the halls of the hospital... with help from Michael. Are you sensing a pattern, here?

Once we came home from the hospital, it took virtually all of my strength to get from our bedroom to the bathroom. There was one point where it took me 20 minutes to get from point A to point B, and that was AFTER I spent five minutes getting up off the bed. Once again, I couldn't do anything without, you guessed it- help from Michael (thank goodness his boss gave him a week off).

For me, the first week was definitely the hardest. I still get frustrated that I'm not 100%, but I keep reminding myself that a c-section is frickin' major surgery!

This brings me to...

Emotionally

I was (and still kind of am) a wreck. For two weeks, I felt virtually every emotion imaginable. I was happy that I had a perfect, healthy baby girl. I was pissed that I couldn't do a dang thing for myself. I was disappointed that I didn't get the birth that I wanted (and can never have the water birth that I hoped for). I was sad that I had to have a c-section. I felt an immense amount of love for both Mike and Elsie. I felt hurt. I felt cheated. I felt annoyed. I felt weak. I felt frustrated. I felt like I wasn't good enough - like there was something wrong with me and my body. At one point, I even blamed Elsie for the way things played out. That was the limit. 

The problem with me feeling all of these emotions? I am a bottler. I bottle everything up, then I let it explode. Lucky for me, Mike could tell that something was seriously wrong before I reached the explosion. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. One night around midnight, he laid with me in bed, trying to get me to talk through all of my emotions. Eventually, after me saying, "It's nothing, it's not a big deal," about 500 times, everything just poured out. I cried and cried and told him how I felt like a terrible, weak human being for feeling this way. He was there for me - he held me close, told me how strong I was, and told me that it was okay.

It didn't all get better right away, but after that night, I didn't feel quite so bad. Since then, every day has gotten better. I still have moments where I'm frustrated, I still have days that I cry because I will never be able to experience birth the way I want to, there are times when I look in the mirror and wish that I was physically capable of a good, hard workout, and, yes - there are days that I am disappointed in myself and wonder if there was something I could have done differently.

Those are the moments I am so thankful to have these two people in my life to remind me that God is good and everything happens for a reason.

Part Four (AKA A Happy Ending).

Part One. 

Part Two. 

Part Three. 

At 5:45 pm, I saw the doctor hold up a purple thing that looked a little bit like an octopus who was missing a few limbs. It took me a minute to realize that 1) it was not an octopus… it was my baby! And 2) the surgeon had literally just barely taken her out of my stomach – she was real. Mike jumped up out of his seat and ran to be with the baby while they did her APGAR scores. All I could do was lay there and wait for them to stitch me up and wheel me to recovery so that I could finally hold my little girl. As I was waiting, though, I had tears running down my face. 

Just watching Mike “become” a daddy was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed. The pure joy on his face as he took it all in was simply surreal. 

I probably looked like a wreck as I was laying there, tears running down my face, shouting out, “She’s so beautiful, my baby, my baby! That’s my beautiful little girl,” but I just didn’t care. I couldn’t wait for them to put me back on the bed and transfer me to recovery so that I could finally have some skin to skin time with our baby. As soon as I was on the bed, Carol brought Elsie to me and laid her on my chest. It was only then, as I watched my little girl begin to breast feed, that I could comprehend the miracle that had been occurring in my body for the past 41 weeks and four days. All I could do was look at my little girl and whisper, “I would do it all again for you. Every second of labor, every ounce of pain, every moment where I wanted to give up – I would do it all again in a heartbeat.” And that, my friends, is how I learned what a mother’s love is.

Did my birth go “according to plan?” Absolutely not. You know what, though? My midwife told me that I had just had one of the most positive births she had gotten to witness. I am absolutely convinced that it is because of the amount of time I had spent preparing my mind for the possibility of something other than a natural labor. I did everything I could to maintain a positive outlook on birth, making sure to remember that my health and my baby’s health were the two most important things. If I had had this labor and delivery in a third world country or another time, I may not have made it. Elsie may not have made it. There is a time and a place for medical intervention, and I am so, so happy that we live in a world where those options are available. I’m thankful for a midwife and a nurse who stood by my side and supported me in every decision I made. Above all, though, I am thankful for my family. I’m thankful for Mike, who has been there for me every second since this journey began and I am thankful for Elsie, who, within seconds, completely changed the way I look at the world.

It truly is a miracle.