That Time I Wished I Didn't Have Boobs.

Happy Wednesday!!! 

So. I've mentioned on this here blog that I've had issues with breastfeeding (and by issues, I mean that I bawled every single day, dropped the "f bomb" a lot, continually repeated that I hated my life, and yelled about how much I hated breastfeeding). Why didn't I just quit, you ask??

1. Since I opted to quit my full-time job so that I could stay at home, we are po (can't even afford the "o-r," people) and formula is not cheap. If you're not a mom and don't already know this, go to the baby section of Target next time you're there and check it out.

2. I am competitive. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just kept saying, "If insert name here can do it, I should be able to!"

3. Momma's milk really is better for baby.

So anyway, let me tell you a little bit about what I went through.

In the hospital, Elsie had no problem whatsoever latching on and sucking. Girl has the suction of a freaking hoover, people!! She would get frustrated because the colostrum wouldn't come right away, but she was doing it.

Two days after the c-section (Sunday morning), I woke up and my boobs were, no joke, the size of cantaloupes. They had to be g's, I swear. And when I touched them to figure out what the crap was going on, they were rock hard. Because they were so stretched, poor Elsie couldn't get a latch if you know what I mean! I had no clue what was going on! Apparently I didn't know too much about BFing, because I had no idea that engorgement was a thing.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the lactation consultant in the hospital was awful. She was not helpful at all, and she beat the crap out of my boobs. She forced Elsie to latch before the engorgement was gone, and I ended up with scabbed over and bleeding nipples. She "massaged" the milk out, and was super rough, so I literally had bruises everywhere. In the end, she gave me a nipple shield and didn't really tell me anything about it except how to use it.
Fast forward three weeks, and I am desperate to get off the shield. This stupid piece of plastic was the bane of my existence, I tell you! Elsie would suck so hard that she pulled my nipple through the little holes on the shield. It hurt like the mother effing dickens. I was about to throw in the towel and say, "the hell with it" and pump exclusively, but holy balls, pumping is a ton of work.

I looked in my handy dandy breastfeeding book, asked for advice on Facebook,  and saw a couple lactation consultants; nothing worked. NOTHING. I was on the verge of giving up when we left for Utah. When we were in Utah, though, we stopped by Mike's brother's house. Out of nowhere, Matt's (Mike's bro) wife asked me if I was breastfeeding and how it was going. I told her that it wasn't going great and she offered to help me out. You must understand something - she and I have had our differences and have not always gotten along the best. This would be why Mike and I were both shocked when I said, "Yes."

People, this is when it all changed. A complete 180. Amy taught me something that she likes to call, "The Perfect Latch." Out of the three lactation consultants I saw, none of them taught me this latch! This latch was seriously a friggin' miracle. If only I had known about this from the beginning, my life would have been so. much. easier. We were completely off the nipple shield from that day on. The soreness went away, I don't cry about breastfeeding anymore, and I can go places and not worry about how I'm going to feed my child if she gets hungry and I don't have a bottle or the shield. If you are breastfeeding and have tried everything and want to rip your hair out, let me know and I can get you in contact with her.

I'm not really one of the sentimental people who wanted to breastfeed because of the bond between mama and baby - my motives were purely financial. That's not to say that I haven't noticed the special bond it creates, because I have! I just generally don't like to get all mushy gushy about that stuff.

So there you have it - I no longer wish that I didn't have boobs (although I am looking forward to the day that my husband can take care of all the feedings), and I can do it, just like all those other moms. Oh, and I'm saving a butt load of money. Win.

And.... just for good measure, here's a picture of me and my little bestie.


Whitney Leigh said...

I can't imagine my boobs getting bigger than they are. scares me so bad!!

so glad you found a way that works for you two. I'm coming to you when I have a babe.

annnnnd you win best looking mom and daughter.

kim @ a positive peace said...


obviously I have no experience with BF but I have quite a few friends who have struggled with it .. one in particular who posted to a BF support group on FB and for whatever reason I see her activity in my feed and you would not believe (or maybe you would!) how AWFUL the people in the group were to her! She gave up trying after 3 days ... and I never knew that pumping was hard work bc in my mind I'm like, why not just pump and then use a bottle ... it's still breastmilk and you save yourself the agony! I have so much to learn! haha (but not for a long time!!)

Kym said...

That was hilarious, sad, and sweet all rolled into one post. I never knew breastfeeding problems like this existed! I'm so glad your SIL was able to help you; it sounds like this might have been just the thing to bring you two closer together :) I just love a story with a happy ending (and that adorable baby pic ain't so bad either).

Unknown said...

Your breastfeeding story is SO similar to mine. It's so great that your SIL helped out. It's amazing what a little support can do!

Breenah said...

I hated breastfeeding about 80% of the time and I only did it for four months because my boobs had had enough and just stopped making enough for Quinn to really get enough. I also got mastitis and that is NO JOKE. It was horrible. I'm SO happy you were able to figure things out because formula was the bane of my existence for a while.

Kylie said...

I should probably definitely talk to her for our next baby. I don't think Jake ever latched right, because it was almost always painful for me. Not nearly as bad as you had it...but he also had reflux which was no fun. Doesn't matter much now since I started pumping exclusively at about 4 months :P

Unknown said...

I'm so glad it worked out for you! Yay for putting aside differences and doing the awkward dance while talking about your boobs with people that you'd rather not talk to in general :)

rooth said...

So you're simultaneously freaking me out and making me laugh at the same time - love it Alyx

Natalie | Mrs. Janney | said...

I'm glad it is going better for you! We REALLY struggled the first couple of weeks with breastfeeding. I had a better experience than you did with the lactation consultant. She is pretty much my favorite person in the world now. Whatever works I think.

I'm not surprised that you accepted Amy's help though. I know I was so desperate for anything to help that I would have stood on my head while trying to feed if that would have helped.

Why Girls Are Weird said...

I've heard that breastfeeding can be HARD WORK so I doubt you're the first to struggle. Still, even knowing you're not alone probably doesn't help with that frustrated feeling.

Unknown said...

SO glad it's working out for you! Nothing quite like huge disappointment to make you quit something - I'm thrilled you stuck with it. (It gives me hope - I'm almost there and not being able to BF is a bit of a fear of mine. Fingers crossed!)

Mia @ The Chronicles of Chaos said...

I'm so glad breastfeeding is working out for you! I too had really terrible lactation consultants and I got really frustrated and sore and said FORGET IT. Glad you were able to stick with it!

RadiantKristen said...

I'm really glad you're teaching Elsie about the bathroom selfie at such a young age. She's going to be a pro blogger in no time.

Also, I'm super glad that you sister-in-law was able to help you out, that is a miracle in so many ways!

Tiffany @ Austin Family Diary said...

Glad breastfeeding is going better for you guys. Pepe said it was hard, but you don't realize how hard it is until you experience it first hand. I was the same way, I wasn't doing it for the bonding...definitely for the financial and health benefits. Teach me your magic latch method!

Lindsey A said...

So I want to know about this perfect latch! I've been lucky with my breastfeeding journey thus far, but I'd love to hear about this in case future babies aren't, or others I talk to could use the help. Fill me in girl!

Sarah Shumate said...

Alyx! You poor thing! I can't even imagine how painful and frustrating that must have been! :o(

Just goes to show how desperate you were to get it working for you to agree to let someone you don't even really like help you out! Maybe things between you and the sis-in-law will get better from here on out!

Em @ And Nothing Else Matters said...

Oh my word the latch is so important! First time around for me was pure torture but with my second I learnt how to latch properly from an amazing midwife and it was a breeze! Third time around it is too! So happy for you, and I hear you on not wanting to pay for formula. It's crazy expensive!

Courtney B said...

I'm SO GLAD you both have it figured out! I'm so curious what the perfect latch is! It's such a relief when it finally starts working out!
Did we talk about this? Because the 2 things that kept me going were the money and the competitiveness, ha ha!

Chantele Cross-Jones said...

Asides from all the boob stuff, I know another new mum who was having issues till one other mum give her a tip and completely changed everything, I just want to say how stunning Elsie is, you should be so proud!

Daisy Dayz

lori said...

the thought of waking up with bigger boobs is absolutely horrifying... SO not looking forward to all that body-freaking-out after baby stuff.

i totally appreciate your honesty though... and while i have no idea for how BF will go for me, i'll expect you to skype with me and teach me these magic tricks if need be, mmkay? ;)

Kassi said...

I'm interested in hearing about this perfect latch!! Our first week or so of BF did not go well... I already said this in another comment, but Klara had trouble latching and lost weight because of it. There were lactation specialists in the hospital while I was there and they would just come in, be like, 'OK she's near the boob, so you must be fine' and leave. Not a single one looked to make sure I was doing it right. Sure they offered to help, but I didn't know I wasn't doing it right so I didn't worry about it until we got home. I had to go BACK to the hospital a few days later and request to see a specialist to get any real help... Ugh!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said...

Omg yes to this. The lactation consultants at the hospital were HORRIBLE. So horrible that I exclusively pump and its hard work but I am scarred for life from breastfeeding. They would come in, put her on my boob and say shes perfect and walk out. Then one night she screamed nonstop and we realized she hadnt eaten in over 24 hours because she wouldnt latch right to get anything out. They came and also bruised up my boob with 'massage' and in the end I had to pump to give her enough milk to stop crying and get some sleep. A week of this made me stop and give up. I hate that I did but Im happy shes still getting only breastmilk and Im down to pumping only 4 to 5 times a day instead of the 12 times a day I started at!

Nikki said...

You and your bestie look absolutely gorgeous! So happy that your sister in law helped you out. It's like it was meant to be!

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