The Top Five Questions Pregnant Women Hate
2. Are you still pregnant? Look. My due date was two days ago. We talk regularly. You're friends with me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I take pictures of my food and share them on an almost daily basis... you think I'm going to forget to update the world on whether or not I've had the baby? No way, dude. I'll be instagramming myself in that sexy hospital gown with my swollen ankles and big belly at four in the morning while having a massive contraction.
3. Are you ready? Ready for what? To pop a baby out? To take care of a human for the next eighteen years? Is there such a thing as being ready? I mean, really. We all know that this first child is going to be a huge wake up call. I like to think I'm ready, but we all know there's no way anyone could possibly be 100% ready for what's about to hit me upside the head.
4. Aren't you afraid? Why do you automatically assume that? Why do people associate giving birth with fear? WHY DO YOU TELL ME THAT YOUR LABOR AND DELIVERY WERE SO AWFUL THAT YOU SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS THE ENTIRE TIME?!? WHY? What good could possibly come of that? How about you do us both a favor and 1) skip your stupid horror stories and let me experience my own birth and 2) don't even ask this ridiculous question.
5. Did you know that ___________ makes the baby come? You know what, I've researched pretty much every "natural induction" technique there is, and nothing has worked. Therefore, I don't want to hear your "did you know that sexwalkingcastoroilspicyfoodsbouncingonabirthball makes the baby come" questions. I can answer you with a, "Yes, I've heard that that can induce labor, and believe me, I've tried..." but just know this - I'm annoyed when I give you that answer. This little terd will come when she's ready. No sooner, no later.
And now that I probably sound like a huge witch with a capital "B," I'm done. Ha, let's just blame this post on the pregnancy hormones that are making me increasingly insane and irritable.