Things No Mother Should Think... but I Probably (Okay, Definitely) Will. Bunnies Make Everything Better.

HI GUYS!!!! 

First off, I just wanted to take a moment to say how thankful I am to live in such a wonderful country, and that my thoughts and prayers go out to those who lost family members and friends eleven years ago.

So... moving on! I'm just going to let the title of this post speak for itself, and let you read about Why I'm Going to be a [Kind of] Awful Mother. 

1. Ummm, which kid is mine again? I can see it now, shortly after giving birth, my child will be taken from me and put in that nursery with the glass windows, and all those little alien babies will look the same, leading me to play a game of Where's Waldo... with my kid.
2. You are a disgusting little creature. Yes, I'm saying it - babies are gross. They poop, drink boob milk, and have the uncanny ability to aim their bodily excretions right at your eye. I don't care if it is my baby, your baby, or freakin' Heidi Klum's baby - they're all somewhat disgusting little creatures.

3. Oh, hello little alien. All newborn babies look like aliens. Don't argue, you know it's true, we just don't want to admit that our little mini-me's look like they jumped off the set of Independence Day. 

4. Holy balls, just TALK already!! Guys. I'm sure I will love listening to my someday child scream at the top of his or her lungs - I mean, who doesn't love their eardrums being blasted to pieces by high-pitched screams? But really, I'm sure there will be at least one point where I will look at my baby, get down on my knees, and beg it to talk because I "just can't take it anymore!"

5. Fine. Run around the front yard naked - I don't feel like running after you right now. Yeah, I'll be that mom. The one who has a stripper baby, the one who watches her kid run out the front door while waving a diaper over it's head while yelling, "FREEDOM!!" Only, it will be in a cute little baby voice, so it'll sound more like, "FWEEDUN!" So William Wallace.
This is probably why I don't have a child. The dude (I'm not having girls - I can feel it in my bones) would be scarred for life. Poor kid. 

In other news... I know someone who's a really awesome mother, and has probably never thought any of those things about her child. Keep in mind, though, that her child isn't your typical kid. :)
*************************************************************************************
Hi everyone, it's Samara from over at The Secret Life of Samara.
 I have a confession to make... and it's not that I just ate a huge bowl of chocolate mousse. Cos I'm pretty excited about that. No, my confession is that I get really nervous about writing these posts. I'm never sure about what people want to read. So to save you the hassle of having to skim read, I'll just write all the interesting stuff about me in bold letters. Here goes... I live in Australia and I am married to a husband who is 6"8 (and I'm about the height of an oompa loompa). I stood on a stool to kiss him at our wedding. I don't have a pet kangaroo but I do have a rabbit called Nibbles. Alyx here - when I said she had a kid, I was obviously referring to Nibbles.
I suck at cooking but am fairly good at crafts. I refurbished our kitchen table, which I am super proud of. I love to laugh so every Saturday I post funny stuff... and Alyx always comments saying it's funny, so it must be, yeah? 
Come on over and say hi, I would love to meet you.
************************************************************************************
Yeah, go say hi! She really does always post hilarious stuff on Saturdays, it always gives me a good laugh. 

So. Happy Tuesday, and feel free to leave some funny thoughts you've had about babies in the comments. 

44 comments:

Alana Christine said...

bahahahahaha. Where's waldo only with alien babies. It definitely takes a few days for babies to look non-alien-like.

lori said...

hahahah i love it. babies are so gross... im hoping you somehow don't mind when its your kid?

and aliens. so true.

Niken said...

ha! this is how we defend from baby fever attack.

and i'm still trying to find Waldo.

eef said...

yeah.... i really don't like babies. i'm sure i'll love mine, but ugh. i'm not in annnnyyyyy hurry. lol

Eve Myers said...

Babies also come out with cottage cheese all over them! Makes me want to barf!

Katrin said...

Haha, thanks for making me laugh so much, Alyx! I am sure you will be a wonderful mother. And yeah, I feel the same way you do!
Amd I think I am in love with Nibbles....aww!

Emily S said...

When both my kids were born, I thought, and still do, think they look like old men...just in a teeny tiny form.

Raych said...

I hope to God I don't have girls. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. My sister was 10 times more trouble than my 3 brothers combined. :)

rooth said...

Omg they ARE little aliens - my sister and I say that all the time (I'm glad we're not alone in our thinking, it always makes my mom so upset when we say that)

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I'm with you. I'm working tonight and it's kids eat free night... makes me cringe a little. Sigh.

Brianna Asaro Photography said...

Bahahaha!!!I have thought EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS at some point! Even though the hubby and I are actively trying to start a family, don't think those things still don't cross my mind. And there ain't nuthin' wrong with an exhibitionist baby.

Jen said...

Oh my goodness this was a blast to read! Babies are so gross. Our 2 1/2 month old decided to projectile poop all over his daddy's leg. Yeah, gross, little slimy, smelly baby, who I adore so much! It always bothered me until I had this little bean so maybe it'll be the same for you!

his little lady said...

hahahaha, you are too funny girl! i promise that those little feelings will change once you have your own baby. even if they look like an alien, you will be so in love with that little alien that it will turn into an adorable little justin bieber baby. hahah
xo TJ

meet.make.laugh. said...

LOL Alyx I will be the exact same way..... kids could skip over the baby phase and get to the phase where they are able to learn and understand things.

Alex Butts said...

I totally get the Waldo thing, but more so get the getting on your news and begging them to stop screaming. I've already done that. I mean I know these aren't my own children and everything is supposed to be different and BS when it's your own, but screaming is not a pleasant sound ever.

Elsha Bodily said...

I believe that all these reasons will just make you an AWESOME (yes I said it) mom. My parents let me do all of those things...and I was ugly, but everyone got over it :)

Evani Gatsby said...

LOL the where's waldo and stripper baby comment made me laugh. Made me picture a naked baby in a where's waldo hat (in a non pornographic way... aw shoot now I sound creepy). Thanks for always being yourself Alyx, I don't mind sponsor posts when they are as funny as yours.

Ashley said...

My kids didn't look like aliens... :-) I'll send you pics. Because I know you want to see them.

And my kids are always naked in the summer. We have a strict no pants policy over here.

Thee FireWife said...

My kid will totally look like an alien. Meh, alien meets Uncle Fester. And I didn't think about trying (unsuccessfully) to pick him/her out of a lineup, so thanks for that bit of psychosis. And I totally thing I'm a "boy" momma, too. Although I suppose I could raise a girl to be like me (or, apparently, you), but... boys. oh please boys. [feel free to throw this back in my face 5 months from now when I'm holding a bouncing baby girl.]

Oh, and crying babies make me laugh.

Whitney@Keeping Up with the Cyperts said...

I've always thought babies were ugly. I have yet to see a newborn that was cute. They get cute when they get a little older but not at first! I knew someone once that had a baby and he looked like a tiny old man. It was hilarious. And the screaming....hell no!

chickenboo said...

It'd be nice to be able to birth a child that can already talks and wipes it's own butt. No girls either. None of that girly stuff.

Tami Marie said...

Love this post!!

I just spent almost 5 minutes looking for Waldo and couldn't find him!!! Hmpphh :P

amanda krystal said...

haha, i always get scared about having babies....thinking i will constantly be covered in poo or some thing..eek!

Kelly said...

Dunno about anyone else but I just spent 5 minutes looking for Waldo and gave up.
Also, I'm SOOOO not ready for babies. I agree with all of these statements :P

Lourdes Echagarruga said...

And this confirmed that I would be an awful mother. I don't care if they are related to me or not, newborns aren't that cute. :::shocker::: I am sure people are going to hate me for that!

Xo Lourdes

Georgina Castellucci said...

Ah I'd really love some chocolate now! Crafting is far more handy than cooking anyhow :)

Rosie said...

I'm not sure I am ready for a rabbit or a baby! However, I think I might be one of 'those' mothers too. People say the gross stuff is ok when it's your own. Only one admits that she finds all the bodily fluid disgusting.

P.S. Hahahahhahhahhahahahhahhhhah!

Maša said...

haha. I was once banned from a forum because I proclaimed that all kids are uggly. well today I don't think that they are all ugly. just babies. but some kids are actually kinda cute.

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