What to Expect when You're Expecting (an extremely condensed and not at all accurate Representation of Pregnancy) Part One

... written by the furthest thing from a pregnancy expert you will ever meet (unless, of course, you meet Big Foot - I bet he knows even less than I do).

Because I have exactly a bajillion thoughts on the topic of pregnancy, I'm going to do this in parts. Today is part one of part one -

Things I wish People had Told Me about Pregnancy

1. Pregnancy is not fun. Let's face it - the side effects suck, you turn bat-sh** crazy, you cry about tacos, and you become a narcoleptic. Your husband begins to wonder what he's done to you, and every time you look at the scale, you think you're going to break the dang thing.

2. You should buy a dog. Seriously - you will need someone to blame for the smells that will exit your body fairly regularly. Note: a cat is not an acceptable substitute (cats aren't as stinky as dogs).
3. You are not superwoman. Don't try to be - it's hard to do everything when you're not pregnant, and things definitely don't get any easier when you're falling asleep on your piles of unwashed laundry.

4. You will turn into a crocodile. At least you will if your skin was already dry. I put lotion on at least ten times a day, and my hands still look like a pair of leather gloves that have been sitting in the sun for ten years.

5. Hemorrhoids - not just for old men anymore. TMI? Probably, but let's face it - it's just another ugly part of pregnancy. This stuff is real, and I'm telling you - EAT YOUR DANG FIBER. Twenty servings if you have to.
6. Sexy time is not so sexy. Umm, yes. I just said "sex" on my blog. I think we all know how that baby got in your belly (contrary to "Glee" belief, it was not from spermies in a hot tub), so let's get over the "s-word." SEX. Yes, you can still have it, yes, you will probably definitely want it (or maybe you won't). NO. You will not feel sexy. Probably. Your bra won't fit right, your belly will be bulging, you will be bloated, and that is all I have to say about that. But get it on, my friends - Get. It. On. Because you probably won't have as many opportunities for the next 30 years. And then you'll just be old and wrinkly. And that is the most awkward paragraph to ever grace my blog. You're welcome.

7. You are super prone to infection. Yes - everywhere. All sorts of infections - take care of yourself! Don't let a bladder infection (or something else) ruin your week!

8. You will become a freaking obese asthmatic just by walking up five stairs. Don't believe me? Ask the dude that shares my cubicle wall. I sound like I'm dying every time I come back from the cafeteria downstairs. It's only slightly pathetic (and yes, I have considered taking the elevator - too much pride, people - too much pride).

9. People will look at your tummy and wonder if you're eating 5 big macs a day. You will look like a chubby slob for a while. It's an awkward stage, and no one wants to point out that your belly is bulging, so instead they just stare and think something along the lines of, Man, she's really let herself go. 
does anyone know the original source?
10. You should expect exactly the opposite of what everyone tells you. Think you're going to spend hours praying to the porcelain gods? Nope - you'll just get migraines that would make a grown man cry. Think you're going to swell up like a huge balloon? Nope - you'll be wearing your wedding ring till the baby is born. Think you're going to run over your mailbox? Nope - your name is not Alyx Garner, so you've got nothing to worry about (except the fact that you'll put your cell phone in the freezer and spend three hours looking for it). Think your face will turn into a pizza? It probably will, so you're SOL there. You're welcome.

I have sooo much more to say, but that wisdom will just have to wait.


RadiantKristen said...

FIRST COMMENT! Woot, woot =)

I have lost my engagement ring in the fridge. I am certain that next summer i will love my ever loving mind. Also, I am expecting to blow up to the size of a house, as my family births big-as-heck babies.

I'm sorry pregnancy hasn't lived up to your expectations thus far. However, I am convinced that you will consider it more than worth it when you're holding that sweet little creature in your arms.

jessica said...

Can I just say I'm still not a fan of pregnancy. And I'm almost through the second trimester which is supposedly the best "phase." I guess my body missed the note about that one. Oh and ditto to EVERYTHING you just said.

Discovery Street said...

YES! And I left my keys in the fridge often! Pregnancy sucked donkey balls. But mommy hood is the bees knees

Sue // As It Seems said...

The one thing that I've found true about every pregnancy is that they're all difficult. Some are worse than others, but no one gets EVERY symptom and really we all have it bad. I was sick for the first SIX months of my pregnancy, I'm tired no matter what kind of sleep I get, my back hurts always, and I've had consistent labor pains since week 16. But I haven't broken out at all and I've had no swelling yet. I'm thinking that will probably still come though :) It's just funny to me how different yet similar every woman's pregnancy is, and we all feel a kindred spirit when we start to talk about it!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said...

Omg my gut is so weird right now. I swear im 7 months pregnant even though im 11 weeks. I drink so much water because my skin is so dry and I am DREADING another UTI because they scare the shit out of me. Seriously. I went from passing out dead at night to tossing and turning nonstop and waking up at 5am. What the cuss.

Laura said...

You poor thing! Since you talked about sex I am assuming all topics are on. Have you peed while sneezing yet? LOL.
I am sure you are radiant.

Greta said...

LOVE all of this - thank you for being REAL! I am preggo too and feel ya girl! :)

Mikelle Jade said...

Is that picture for real?

I totally agree with all these, they're great. I can't wait for part two! It makes me glad pregnancy is over for me for the time being.... But hey, sexy time is worse after: you still won't feel sexy, and its downright terrifying, along with your first poop!

Lynn | Motherhood in Motion said...

Ahhh hang in there, but thanks for being honest....

Unknown said...

I never understood the women who said things like "It was the best time of my life" or "I felt most like a woman when I was pregnant". Nope. Felt most like a manatee, yes. Womanly, not a chance. I'm not in this for the experience, I'm in it for the prize at the end :)

Alana Christine said...

bahahaha. Thanks for the truth. Now I never want to reproduce.

Unknown said...

oh I have so many things to look forward to one day!

Lish @ Imprintalish said...

Oh my friend...LOL...my stomach hurts from laughter!Oh the things we go through as women, no man will ever ever understand. They think they have the crap end of the deal when they hit 40 and have to get a finger up the bum..oh if only they knew how great they have it :) Can't wait to read the next part to this!!!

Kylie said...

Advice: Don't weigh yourself, and don't worry when the doctor does. I didn't weigh myself all that much. I didn't worry about it either I guess. I gained 35-40 pounds (nearly nine of which was my baby) and I've lost it all now (baby is almost 4 months, but I swear I dropped 20 in a week or two after is birth). Not everyone is like that, but you seem to have a similar metabolism to mine. Don't worry too much about it all :)

Brittany SSP said...

Does it make me terrible that I LOVE posts like this? I haven't been pregnant, but it drives me crazy when women go "Oh it was a wonderful experience!" Maybe it's b/c I've had way too many medical-related classes...but I KNOW what can happen when you get preggers. I'm sure it's worth it, but it's also a super weird condition when you look at the random symptoms and variety of experiences women have all from carrying a child!

Amanda G. said...

Is it wrong that this totally made me laugh? I'm sorry some of the pregnancy stuff is giving you troubles, but this was funny. I blame your naturally hilarious writing voice.

meet.make.laugh. said...

This does not make me look forward to getting pregnant..... haha

B said...

Welp. It's official. I'm not reproducing. I love you, frand, for this honest entry and for helping me come to this crucial choice.

I. Don't. Do. Hemmroids. No. Way.

Thank you so much for being honest about the mood swings and other awkwardness associated with pregnancy instead of the "oh its so beautiful" nonsense I always hear. The end result is wonderful, and so is the creating of the little one, but the rest of it is not.

Your honesty guarantees you will be an awesome mom. But we already knew that. <3 <3

Unknown said...

Ah Alyx! Too funny! And all of it completely true I'm sure. I wouldn't doubt you for a second!

Breenah said...

You crack me up. On the plus side, after the baby's born you can blame all the smells on the baby and that works until they can fully talk!

Maria Larsen said...

Every time you bring up crying about the tacos, I laugh. I do not doubt you for one second about any of the above.

Andy said...

Hahaha. Oh man. The sex paragraph.

Simply Evani said...

LOL the sex part is my fave. Also, I highly doubt your body would even let you get obese, with the exception of the human growing in your womb. Love yo pregnant body lady!

Why Girls Are Weird said...

And this is why I tell Izzy we're only going to have puppies. Then I don't have to worry about all this ;-)

Amy Harris said...

hahaha the things i could add to this... let's just say my pregnancy has been less than magical! there are many things NO ONE tells you.

Kelly said...

Gosh this is great.
Now I feel pretty prepared to have a baby. Not that it's happening anytime soon (I need to find a man first), but I feel much better versed in what to expect ;)
Can't wait to hear the rest!!

Kristen Victoria said...

this was fantastic. how about adding, "the looming fact that a giant baby head is going to have to force itself out of your vagine in a matter of months." I think that would be the scariest part about it... yup.

Whitney said...

Yeah, I would love to have a baby, but I don't know if I can handle all that craziness for 9 months. Holy crap.

Deidre said...

Wow, You're really selling pregnancy here...

I love how different everyone's experiences are and how little people talk about it in the "real" world, I've learned most of my pregnancy knowledge from bloggers! So keep it coming!

Anonymous said...

Literally, I am dreading pregnancy. Like so much.

Unknown said...

SO GLAD I'm not the only one posting negativity on my pregnancy lol. There are some good things I throw in too but it's nice to vent to an audience whos judgement isn't as heartbreaking. BTW you are very lucky to still have your ring on. I had to freeze my hand and cover it in soap and lotion to get mine off. So sad :( Congrats to you and don't worry, the bigger you get, the more positive attention you get from strangers..and that part is kind of nice :)

Sara Louise said...

Confession: As much as I really want a biological baby (although I'm totally open to adoption) I really don't want to be pregnant. I just don't think I'll handle it well. Like nausea is already my default feeling, so I can't even imagine the morning sickness. And then of course, there's all that other stuff you mentioned, but thankfully, I already have a stinky dog :)

Unknown said...

Who said being pregnant was easy, you are so confused about your body and keep wondering whether sleeping on the right is more comfortable than sleeping on the left ...I have undergone this twice and I can understand how miserable you are feeling. Wish you a safe delivery and a healthy child.

Tribulus Terrestris

Alex, Speaking Denglish said...

pahahah the dog comment. It's good you shared this with me. I am not responsible enough for a child so all the deterents I can get are fabulous.

You seem to be handling it pretty dang well though!

Madison said...

Haha these are all reasons I'm actually dreading pregnancy. Can't babies just like magically appear in your arms when you decide you want one? No work necessary for it? No? :( Luckily I have a dog to blame any stinkyness on haha

Katrin said...

Love this, Alyx! Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

Vapid Vixen said...

OH my mother hugging hell. No no no no no. You know those women who talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant? I've NEVER EVER believed them and now I never ever will.

Also, your awkward paragraph made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing! That is all I have to say :)

Unknown said...

Check Your Employee Handbook – Dad’s Pregnancy Guide
Talk to your human resources people or thumb through your employee handbook to make sure you understand your company’s rules on paternity leave and time off. You’ll want quite a bit of it, both now (for her practitioner appointments) and later (when the baby arrives). When my wife and I found out that she was pregnant, I was working as an investment banker and pretty much worked every hour that I was awake, including weekends. Even though our employee handbook stated that we could take off several weeks for paternity leave, no one actually did and taking time off for paternaty leave was frowed upon (as crazy as that is), so be mindful of the unspoken rules with respect to this, especially during turbulent economic times such as this. The easiest way to do this is to talk to some other people at work that have taken time off for paternaty leave.

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