Hope you all had a fabulous weekend, and to those of you who don't have to work because of Martin Luther King Day.... I am jealous, and I just don't know if we can be friends anymore.
Anyway. Today I wanted to share something that is personal, but very important to me. I've wrestled a lot with whether or not I wanted to share this experience here, and, in the end, I've decided that it is something that I would like documented.
Timing - it is everything, especially when a couple is considering having children. Couples find themselves asking, "Is now the right time to have a baby? Is there ever a right time to have a baby? Are we financially secure enough to bear the burden of the cost of a baby?" Like many other couples, Mike and I found ourselves asking those questions.
In August of 2011, we were headed to Europe for ten months. We would have insurance and plenty of time on our hands. We prayed and prayed, and didn't know if having a baby was something that we should do at that point in our lives. We decided to leave it up to fate - we wouldn't try, but we wouldn't not try, either.
If I'm being honest, the fact that I stopped taking that little blue pill at 7:00 a.m. on the dot every day terrified me. I was only 23 with my whole life ahead of me - I wasn't ready for a baby. I was secretly hoping that it wasn't the time, that things wouldn't work out. At the same time, though, I found myself slightly disappointed each month that I wasn't pregnant.
The months went by, we came back to the United States, and we started looking at houses and jobs. In July we closed on our house and I got a full-time job (you know, the kind with insurance and a salary). We began to wonder if now was the time - should we start thinking a little more seriously about having kids?
This is the part where I tell you that I believe in God. I believe that His timing is everything, and I believe that He knows what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. This is where I share my testimony - I believe in divine revelation, and I believe that, through the holy ghost, our Heavenly Father speaks to us. These revelations can be had through peaceful feelings, thoughts, and even dreams. This is where I share a revelation that I hold very dear to my heart.
Over Labor Day weekend, Mike and I were visiting my parents. Before I go deeper into this story, I want to share that my [then] 16-year-old brother's girlfriend had recently given birth to his child. Because of the circumstances under which that precious little boy came into this world, I harbored a lot of resentment toward him. I hated him because he was born into a broken family, to a girl who couldn't care for him. I hated him because I know many people who would have given anything to have that baby, who could have given him a happy, full life. I hated him because of the mistakes that my brother and his girlfriend had made.
I didn't want to hold him - I didn't want to be around him at all, actually. At one point, though, my brother put him in my arms. I took him upstairs, held him close to me, and rocked him. Eventually, I laid him down on my lap, and I was overcome with a feeling of peace. At that moment, I was told that I could not hate this sweet spirit because of what other people had done. I was told that it was time, and that everything would work out - everything would be okay.
Two weeks later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
You see, we don't have a lot of money, Mike's still in school, and things aren't exactly easy. In the eyes of the world, our timing probably isn't great. In the eyes of God, though, our timing is perfect because it isn't ours at all - it's His, and His timing is everything.