Warning: I Just Deleted a Vent Post, but Let's get Together for some Hot Cocoa.

No, really. 

I had it all written out, and I was bawling as I wrote it, because I am so frustrated. As soon as I was done writing, though, I felt so much better, and I was just fine with hitting the delete button. 

I sometimes wish that I had a best friend here. Someone that I could invite over for hot cocoa and a night of chit chat mixed with comfortable silence. I don't, though, and sometimes I feel really alone because of that. 

I just realized that I'm not alone. I have you. And this is what I look like now, sitting here with my hot cocoa, ready for our chat. 
And here's what I'll tell you: 

I'm upset for lots of reasons. I finally had the energy to go to the gym, but things didn't work out. I'm sick of craving sugar all the time when I rarely ate it before I was pregnant. I hate these extreme mood swings and I hate these migraines. 

I feel guilty for complaining about being pregnant, because I know how many people would love to be in my shoes. I love the fact that I'm going to have a baby, but I hate the fact that I'm the heaviest I've ever been, I have no energy, and I'm a crazy lady - happy one minute, bawling the next. 

I'm worried about life. Where I'm going, what I'm doing, bills, and becoming a mom. 

I miss being myself. I'm not me - I'm me with a parasite inside of me that changes my moods, my favorite foods, and makes me feel ugly all the time. 

I miss my best friend. I don't have a best friend in Lincoln anymore (Mike doesn't count), and I miss it - I miss it a lot. 

I wish I had more time. I haven't had the chance to do any blog reading this week, and I feel like such a bad blog friend. I hope you can forgive me. 

I'm being a conversation hog. Don't you have anything to say? 

51 comments:

Kiana Bates said...

I'm so sorry that you're life is so hard recently!
Just think about ice cream. That's what I did when I was little.

I love your blog :)

kianabates.blogspot.com

Tiffany @ Austin Family Diary said...

You're not alone preggo buddy--I feel the same way...craving nothing but crap food, the weight gain, fat cheeks, cellulite that keeps popping up (OMG I can't believe I just said that "outloud" but it's so depressing). It's all for a good cause. I'm enjoying my hot chocolate with a splash of half and half with you :D Hang in there friend!

Breenah said...

If you ever want to talk, you've got my number (and e-mail and FB, so really there's no excuse). I remember going through the same emotions. Being pregnant is tough. It's tough when you don't look it and people think you're crazy. It's tough when you do look it and people give you pitying looks. Honestly, labor is totally not the tough part. The nine LONG months of hormonal inconsistencies are.
You're loved Alyx and I totally wish you had moved to Wichita instead of Lincoln.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

I'm trying to get pregnant. And it's not working. Sometimes I feel angry when pregnant women complain...but then I always yell at myself for that. I have to remember that pregnancy isn't the greatest thing in the world. Your fears, sadness, and frustration about all these weird changes are just as valid as mine are about not being pregnant. So. Don't feel bad about venting. This is your blog. Your life. And from someone who would love to be in your shoes sometime very soon, I understand and definitely don't resent you. Keep your chin up and definitely keep blogging!!

Lourdes Echagarruga said...

Is it sad that you described me in #1, 2,3, 6 and I am NOT pregnant...

Seriously, though... I feel for you and I do not think you should feel guilty! You're being honest with your feelings!

I'll just use my HP wand that I got this weekend and cast a guilt-removal spell! <-- nerdy, I know!

XO Lourdes

PS... I love that you were being a conversation hog :)

Kylie said...

I know what you mean. I didn't super bad body-image issues and I felt OK most of the time, but I always felt guilty complaining. Here are my thoughts: it's OK to vent now and again. That's healthy. And even though it's wonderful and exciting, it's also difficult, draining, exhausting, and terrifying. That's OK.

Also, my jar of Jif staring at me from atop the microwave reminded me to tell you: try your hot chocolate with a spoonful of peanut butter melted in. SO tasty. My husband and sister came up with it.

You're beautiful Alyx! Even though you don't feel like it :)

Something to make you feel better: buy some maternity pants. Even though your regulars still fit, just do it. You will be SO much more comfortable. I found that that under-belly band kind would fit earlier on than the over-belly band. Just a thought :) Also, KNITs are your friends.

Kym said...

Oh, I've been feeling the same exact way for 2 years. Ever since I moved to the town I'm in now (incidentally called Lincoln Park..something about town's with Lincoln in the name perhaps? :), I've been sort of isolated from friends. It's a little further from everyone, and even though it's really not country, according to my very city dwelling friends, I'm living out in the wild. It takes more effort to see them now, usually with lots of planning involved, and sometimes I just wish I had someone close by that could pop over to chill for a bit and maybe watch project runway. Anyway...I wish I had a solution for both of us (um...you & Mike come move next door to me??), but hopefully just knowing you're not the only one feeling alone will help you feel a little better.

xoxo
Kym
bitty.and.bunny

Jordan Jaked said...

I, too, am overwhelmed with life right now. I moved to a brand new place 3 months ago, and I didn't know anyone here. I've just started getting really close with a few people, but it's not the same as my friends from back home.

I am so thankful that I'm in grad school, but it is draining, exhausting, and discouraging.

It's okay to be feeling the way that you are. Just remember that <3

lori said...

aw alyx, i completely understand what its like to be away from your friends... when we first moved a year ago, i felt really alone and had a hard time... i can only imagine being pregnant on top of that. i hope you can get back to feeling yourself soon... and in the mean time, please email me if you want to chat.

Abbey Rodriguez said...

All I have to say is I think you are great. I am sorry you feel like a crazy lady, but if it makes you feel better, I am crazy and I ain't even pregos, homeslice.

Just keep drinking that hot cocoa! Email me or chat me anytime if you need a friend :)

Alana Christine said...

I'm sorry, dear! Sounds like you need some retail therapy : ). Go buy some cute maternity clothes to grow into!

Rima said...

hang in there, gurlfriend!!!

i know it's hard being apart from your bff. i have 5 and we're spread around. well one is still within driving distance, but with work and life, we hardly hang out. boo.

kaity said...

it bugs me when pregnant ladies say things like "I feel guilty about complaining because blah blah blah." Alyx. you are growing a tiny person in that belly of yours. your body is doing SO MUCH WORK to keep that baby healthy and happy and safe. in my book you are entitled to complain however much you want about whatever you want. I think there's no better time than pregnancy to get a little selfish - you worry about you, and you do what you have to do to make it to that end point when that beautiful little baby is at last in your life. there will always be people who sadly cannot have their own children, and they can join in with their own complaining. because that's life.

in other news, I really hope you feel better soon. pregnancy is such a beautiful thing, it's a shame that we women get stuck feeling so miserable in the process.

Sarah Mc. said...

I have so much sympathy for you! All totally normal feelings, but that doesn't make it easier.

Genna said...

Even though I knew you for very little time (if any) before you got pregnant, I want you to know that you are still the same hilarious, awesome, witty and all around amazing girl whose blog I stumbled across a few months ago. You don't need to apologize because hey, you're technically helping the human population thrive, which is basically saving the world. Keep being awesome, cry whenever the hell you feel like it, and remember to breathe, because you're going to be just fine!

Rosie said...

There's nothing to forgive. Try and embrace the changes. You are one hot baby oven and you don't need to be skinny or even hormonally stable to transform into a yummy mummy. Hugs. Xx

kayleigh maryon said...

Making such good friends is the best part of blogging I think. Also I have no idea where I'm going ect so don't worry about it to much.
Have you tried pregnancy yoga. It helps increase your energy and makes you feel amazing after all that stretching
Cheers,
Kayleigh http://thewayiwanderlust.blogspot.com.au/

ifs ands Butts said...

It's all still new, being back in Lincoln, being pregnant, etc. you'll be back to your old self in no time, just need to make the adjustments still!

Katrin said...

I am so sorry, Alyx. I know how stupid it feels not to have your best female friend there. I mean, David is my best friend but a girl friend is something different. So yeah, I miss that too. I worry about life all the time so I absolutely know how you feel. And I am not even pregnant so it must be worse for you. And oh, time...I wish my day had at least 30 hours. It is terrible. So friend, you are not alone! I am thinking of you!

Sue said...

I hope you feel better at least some days! Pregnancy is not fun but everyone keeps telling me the end result is worth it and every time I think about having my baby here I think they might be right :)

Lisa said...

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, I think it's only natural though.
I'm in the same boat, and while. . .I didn't go to the gym before, I hate that my pants don't fit the same way they did before and some of my shirts are way too tight up top. Just keep in mind it's only that way for a little while longer, and then you can go back to eating what you like and working out the way you'd like, and you'll have a beautiful baby too! Score!
I'm also in your boat with the no best friend thing. My best friend lives 1200 miles away and when Dan and I get in a fight, or I'm just having a really shitty day there isn't anywhere I can go to just vent (aside from Dan obviously, but sometimes you just need a girlfriend to chat to. She can't come over so I can bawl my eyes out and then watch chick flicks with. It's rough, I feel ya.
You do however, get to vent to all of us! Woo!

Rebecca Palm* Gallimaufry Photography* said...

I hated being pregnant. It was awful, I was always in pain, I had no energy, felt ugly and went through it with my husband cheating on me and leaving me for another woman. I felt terrible for hating pregnancy too because I had struggled to get pregnant. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope you feel better soon!

Kaity said...

I'm having a similar week...minus all the baby-making shenanigans ;)

So here's a virtual hug, because I know I could use one right now! That, plus a Christmas movie marathon. Can't wait for this weekend!

Kaylee Gwyn said...

Oh honey, let it alllllll out! I know what yo umean about feeling friend-less. I have friends here in Orlando, but none of them are the best friend that can drop everything and head on over for a cup-o-hot-chocolate and a good gal chat. Next time video chat me and I'll just listen! Oh, and I have the ebook on my ipad for Gone Girl, but I still haven't started. I am officially the WORST co-host for the BBC.

Emily S said...

As I tell my son...Oh honey. You are now a crazy pregnant lady, it's true. The sooner you embrace it, you will feel better. AND, before you want to hit me in the face, let me tell you, it DOES get better. Trimester 2 you will feel pretty normal, with exception to the fact there is life inside yo belly.

Georgina Castellucci said...

Alyx don't be so HARD on yourself! You're allowed to be upset by these things, just because you are that doesn't mean you aren't grateful for all of your blessings. You are a wonderful person, talented writer/blogger and going to make a fantastic mommy! Don't worry about time off you need from blogging, we will be here for you when you are able to update us.

Diana, Down Home Traveler said...

I jsut want to reach thru the computer screen and give you a hug! I think everything you're going thru is probably normal for a mom-to-be but it all sounds pretty normal. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything has a way of working itself out!

Evani Gatsby said...

Don't worry girlfriend, after the pregnancy is over, you'll have a little mini-human to run after and all those pounds will melt away from exhaustion! Lol jk. But seriously, gaining weight is huge sign of a happy and healthy baby so although your body is crying a little, just remind yourself its temporary. You'll get back on the fitness train!

<3

meet.make.laugh. said...

Chin up! And don't worry.... be happy! Though I totally understand the need to vent about stuff.... sometimes letting it out makes it so much better. And face it - husbands aren't always the best for this, especially when you want to vent about them..... ~Stephanie

Amanda Cobb said...

I know what you mean about wanting a best friend in the same city. I don't have one here, either. My best friend (aside from Ian) is my younger sister, but she's all the way in South Carolina and has a crazy work schedule, so it's hard to even get her on the phone sometimes.

I have a book on to-read list about this very thing, actually (MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search For A New Best Friend).

Can't they just invent teleportation already?

his little lady said...

It's okay that you are having these feelings, girl! Just know that you are not alone and that so many people are going through this with you. I'm glad that you have this blogging community to be your outlet. I know that sometimes I feel really alone at times too, but turning to this here blog is the best thing ever ;)
xo TJ

Delightfully Awkward Brittany said...

I'm a new reader, but I can identify with a lot of the things you're saying. I don't have a best friend either, at least not anywhere near me, and it really sucks. I would totally come have some cocoa with you if possible (in a non-creepy stranger way). And don't feel bad about complaining about pregnancy- yes it's a blessing in many ways but that doesn't make it perfect 24/7. It's a very rough condition and it's unfair for anyone to ask you to ignore that. Hope things get better for you.

Kassi Mortensen said...

Ah friend.... So I'm not preggers (that I know of... heehee) but I feel like this too sometimes. I was just having a Kassi pity party the other day because I only have like two girlfriends where I live now. TWO. Sad day. AND I'm worried too... I'm not loving my day job although I'm SUPER blessed to have it and be able to work from home. Worried about where my life is going too. WE all worry! Oh and I've heard that some of those preggo blues go away after awhile. ;) You can hope, right?

lunchwithnikki said...

Hang in there, Chica! Email and write letters to friends when you can. Pick up the phone and scream if you have to. It isn't easy not having the bestest around to come snuggle when you need it. (Mine lives far away too!) However, that doesn't mean there aren't ways to have them near. :)

Sending hugs and cocoa mentally your way!

Madison said...

I write vent posts ALL THE TIME and then delete them once I'm done. Just writing it out seems to release all of my built up frustration, anger, sadness, or whatever.

Hang in there, it'll get better. Months from now, you're going to look back and say it was totally worth it since it brings you a little one to love. Or at least, that's what other moms have told me. Not being a mom, I can't say I know what it feels like but I've been told that numerous times so it must be the truth! *hugs!*

Deidre said...

Oh my dear, I feel ya. My best friend lives a hemisphere away from me. It's just...awful sometimes.

And not feeling in control of your body is one of the worst feelings I've ever had....

Bri Buzali said...

Alyx! This makes me so sad! I know what not having a best friend feels like and it's the worst, we need that as girls! PLEASE know you can call/text/email me if you ever need anyone to just vent to, and I mean it!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Aw Alyx *hugs* This makes me so sad! I don't have a best friend at all so I know how lonely things can feel when you need someone to sit across from you and vent to. It's hard.

Love you lady. Vent away all you want here!

Kelly said...

Not having a best friend closeby to turn to is hard. My best friend just moved 6 hours away. I'm lucky I've got other people, but it's not the same without her. :(
And all these feelings, while they suck, are still totally temporary. And I know that's not going to help things tomorrow, next week, or maybe next month, they will turn around eventually :) Keep smiling :)

Chelsea Elizabeth said...

I understand it's hard! Just try to remember the positives and think about what you have to look forward to. Hang in there! <3

<3Chelsea Elizabeth

M. said...

Gah, I know, right? Sometimes I think "oh, I can't wait to be not pregnant anymore" and then I feel bad... for a bunch of reasons, some of which you listed. I can't wait to have my body back. I can't wait to not pack on a gazillion pounds just by eating my normal. I can't wait to run again (or so I tell myself). I'm trying really hard to be a good friend, in order to find a bestie, but there's only so many hours, ya know? I could go on, but I think I'm out of hot chocolate. Let me go refill while you tell me more about the gym ;)

Kori said...

I feel for you dear <3 Life is ridiculous sometimes, but it passes. Things will settle down, and we're all here to listen, so vent whenever you feel the need xxx

Little Miss Cornucopia said...

I like sweets. I don't go to the gym anymore. I have less energy than I used to. I have mood swings. I like babies. I like baby bellies. I try not to worry about life. I feel pretty today. I feel ugly sometimes. I like your blog. I already forgave you. I like to listen. I am a girl. I am a mom. XO

RadiantKristen said...

Okay, here's what I've got to say:
1) It is very alright for you to have a lot of conflicting emotions. You're a human, and that is a prerogative of being human.
2) I wish we lived in the same town, so I could be your best friend. I know you want me to move to Lincoln, but I'm going to throw out that you could always move here, where we have mountains and skiing.
3) I think you're great.
4) I did a very raw venting blog that is especially long and awkward. Apparently, you and I are on the same page as of late.

barlow.stephanie said...

Hang in there girl. Don't feel bad about the way you feel and about telling us. What your feeling is more normal than you realize and if it wasn't then that would be okay too. Just have fun and try to take it a day at a time and don't worry about stuff you can't control.

Eden Marie said...

You have every right to express your feelings! Feeling alone is absolutely no fun at all. My husband and I recently moved to a new place and we're so far away from all of our friends and family. It's really hard sometimes. Hope things get better! XO

Sara Louise said...

You hang in there Alyx! Before you know it, that annoying little essence stealing parasite will be your perfect, beautiful baby!
I'm sending you lots of warm fuzzy hugs from France OOO (those Os are warm fuzzy hugs)

Treasure Tromp said...

not having a good friend around is so hard :( that is why you have your blog friends!

Jennifer Bosse said...

I moved away from my best friend 6 years ago and it still hurts sometimes. Feeling isolated in a place, trying to make the best of your surroundings. Loving it and hating it too.

I felt bad complaining when I was pregnant too. I mean, so many women out there and how would they feel reading about me complaining? But then I had a friend who tried for 3 years to get pregnant, finally get pregnant and she complains too! ha! I think we're all in the same boat. Growing another human being is hard and you should be allowed to say so. Just don't go too overboard, because they might read your blog someday. :)

Courtney B said...

Don't worry!! The ugly stage will pass, I promise! Not that I feel "so hot" now, but I refused to even go into stores the first half of my pregnancy because clothes made me depressed. Mirrors made me depressed. It all made me depressed. Now I LOVE to go into the stores and daydream about the clothes that I could never fit into now :) (And it's funny, looking back at the pictures of the first half of my pregnancy? I was SO SMALL! It's crazy how it gets in your head. Hang in there!)
Also, don't worry about the weight gain. You have a long ways to go and if it's bad for you now, this is going to be a LONG pregnancy :) I just pretend like I'm not gaining weight and it makes it SO much easier. Seriously, just pretend like it's not happening! Or that the weight gain is all in your boobs ;)
Pregnancy is hard and crazy on the emotions. I totally get it. But you are a babe and it will all be worth it in the end! (At least that's what they tell me, ha!)

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