So really this post is for me to get some feelings out in the hopes that I'll be better able to overcome them. I'm not allowing comments on this post, but if you feel the need to say something, you know how to reach me.
The half marathon is about 3 weeks away. On Saturday, I was supposed to run a 10K for time. Great, no problem. I got my workout gear on, filled my water bottles, grabbed my phone and headed for the door. As soon as I got to the trailhead, I started to run. About thirty seconds in, I had a lot of pain in my calves and my knees. A little bit of pain when I'm first starting out isn't unusual for me - I generally just run through it and it stops after about mile 2. This was different, though - this hurt. Like, really hurt. It was to the point where I didn't want to risk injuries by running, so I stopped. I stretched, walked a bit, then started jogging again. Things still hurt, so I walked until I reached the part of the trail where it turns to gravel (about 1.25 miles in). I started running again, and I felt a little bit better.
As soon as my knees started feeling better, though, my sinus issues came into play. I had snot running down my face and a major sinus headache. Running made my head feel like it was going to explode. I was so annoyed! I used all 5 tissues that I had with me and went through one of my water bottles. By this time, I was about 3 miles in and had probably walked a total of a mile. I was pissed. I got to the turnaround point and decided that I was going to try to run again. At this point, it's 85 degrees and humid, I'm having sinus and asthma issues, I have to pee, I'm almost out of water, and I'm angry. This was supposed to be a great run for me. I was supposed to be feeling freaking awesome. WHY DIDN'T I, THEN?!? I started to jog, and, of course, my left knee starts screaming at me. I had to stop. Had to. As I slowed down to start walking, my knee almost gave out on me. I had to walk the last 2.75 miles home.
I felt (feel) like a total and complete failure. I know we all have bad runs, I do. I know that every run can't be super amazing. But you know what?! I also know that I'm not a runner. I don't love running. Running is not enjoyable for me, so at this point, I'm incredibly discouraged. I have been eating my feelings the past two days (in the form of sour cream and cheddar potato chips and cheese balls), and I'm mad at myself for that. I skipped the gym today because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that, if I were to try to run five miles today, I would fail. So instead of running, I slept, telling myself that I'd go tomorrow. I'm scared. I have invested so much time (and money!!!) into this stupid half marathon, and now I feel like I will never be able to do it.
So that's that. That's what's going on over here. Hopefully tomorrow I can overcome this feeling and just get out there and run.